the extra in the ordinary

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I ask a lot of questions, and I'm looking for the answers.
Work in progress ♥

21. Striving Muslim. Food-loving Malaysian, naturally. Hopeless romantic. When I'm bored/stressed, I go online shopping - for books.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Communicate, communicate, communicate


It's so hard to find an interviewee. Why? Why did I even choose to do comms assignment when I think that it's a bit of a tricky course - SH?

I CRY NOW.

So hard to approach people and ask. Because like, that just involves a lot of explanation to do.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Miles to go

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost

Back in Sydney for exactly ten days now. Home alone, currently. The only housemate who had moved in already went off on a trip to Gold Coast this morning.

It's nice, being alone. I'm sure I'll be restless by tomorrow but for now, despite the very sunny weather that beckons me to outside, I'm okay.

Always okay.

A few days in Sydney, I received news that my maternal grandmother passed away. May Allah swt bless her soul. I felt - well, I don't know. First, it was guilt. I was supposed to see her one last time before flying off but somehow, I just didn't. Then, I felt like a horrible granddaughter.

Passing the shock, I was at loss because I didn't feel sad. Is that bad? Ya Allah, the turner of hearts. Death should make you feel something. I felt something but purely due to selfish reasons. I wasn't sad for her.

Penyakit hati ada tiga dan yang paling teruk adalah hati yang mati.
:(

Just. Yeah, those are pretty much what's been going around in my head.

Oh, of course, the anxiety to begin my second year in Medicine. That's like, nothing new, eh? Thus, the quote above.

I like it. The woods feel like somewhere I'd go when I want to give up but I have promises that I made to myself to keep. So, I still need to go on, miles to go, before I sleep.


إن شاء الله

With the Almighty's permission.

Toodles.
Salam.
Peace be upon you ♥

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Oh

I was still steaming about it today.

And the one moment I chose to tell about everything to my brother, he immediately stopped it and said, 'You do know what you're telling me is not a good thing, right?'

He was right. There is no way for me to justify what have happened. I always prided myself to focus on the solution instead of the problem. That's why I never really explained what was going on to anyone except for when he urged me to. I felt like I needed to tell someone just so I can play victim. Why on earth would someone do that?

So, I stopped and thought better of it.

Not feeling good the past few days, I realized one thing that made me feel slightly better. Relieved, even.

You can only let go when you think that there is something bigger in this world than what has been happening in your life. Which is, really, amazing. Because then, every little thing would seem trivial in the bigger picture of things.

This is water. This is water.

May Allah swt bless.

Hate the sin, not the sinner

Thank you.

For proving to me what I have always thought as true again and again in my life.

For making me confirm that 'depend on no one but yourself' is a heck of a principle to hold onto.

But who am I to say. I'm no more perfect than anyone else, right?

LET IT GOOO NADIAH LET IT GOOOO.
TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR.

Hahahahaha.
Kbai.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Wahey

It's a new year and how unlike me to not write a thing about it!

Happy 2014, Nadiah. Yes, only addressing myself because I have long ceased any expectation that anyone reads this blog. Hahahaha.

So. 2014.

I don't think it's becoming a big deal for me. Life goes on, you know? Same like Eid. I'd be jumping up and down back when I was younger but now, added the fact that I won't even be celebrating it with my family anymore, it's just another day.

Not sure whether it's a good thing. Am I just losing enthusiasm in everything? Am I...becoming an adult that my teenage self swore not to be?

Possibly.

Writing less and less now but the feelings are still the same. Everything is still overwhelming, for me. I'm not sure how I'm coping with it all without my usual writing outlet. It's just - I can't seem to focus. I have these recurring thoughts in my head and when I want to write about a single one, my brain just jumps all over the place and I can't write one coherent post anymore.

It always feels like whatever I write turns out differently in the end that what I intended to note down.


I guess it's the same with life, eh? In reality, it's very different than what you picture in your head.

It's the best, though. Surely.

On the other hand, what up, Nadiah. Who was the one who promised to be better and better in deen? Just look at you now and where you stand.

Step up your game, please.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Weddings

#confessions: I tear up at weddings, even if I don't know the bride and groom personally. A distant cousin, my father's close friend's daughter, an ex-neighbour's son. In real life, their presence would have been unnoticeable but somehow, having the chance again and again to attend such intimate occasions, I still manage to feel tears in my eyes every time.

Cue the whole 27 Dresses movie. Hahaha.

It happens especially when we manage to skip the endless traffic jam in KL and reach the reception just before the couple arrives and parades into the hall - to the newlywed's dining table, usually.
  1. To be celebrated for one of the oldest human traditions (two hearts united and all that glorified stuff)
  2. To be serenaded with nasheed or beats of kompang/rebana (music always helps the waterworks, I even have a mental playlist to play for my own wedding)
Because of these reasons and more, weddings are simply beautiful.

I wondered why, today. I guess it's a mixture of being happy for them despite their anomity or not and that longing sadness interwoven with questions like, "Will I have this soon enough? Will I ever walk down a hall with a loved one? What if--- this isn't for me?"

Once- well, let's be honest. Way too many times, this sort of conversation happens with my friend.
On being single and frankly, being pressured not to be
Me: I wonder if we're being too picky?
Friend: I really don't think so.
Me: I wonder if we're being in denial?
Friend: That...could be possible.
Me: If we're thinking too much about this?
Friend: Definitely. 
That's the funny bit. I basically scratched out the desperate ones. Essentially, we remarked that we're not asking for much. My friend and I agree that we've gone past the high school monkey love and all we want now is just for someone to be...there. Sometimes, not even physically. I'll take what I get. It's just a pleasant thing, I'd imagine. To have someone listen to you, regardless of how petty your whining is. Realizing our independence that may border on being egoistical (major sweat drops), we're not even asking for 24/7 attention. To be there whenever I feel weak. To be there whenever I feel joy. To be there.

#confessions: Whenever I'm feeling a bit stressed out and depressed, I imagine pouring it all to someone and that just makes me feel infinitely better. I guess it has something to do with how I rarely do pour my heart out to anyone in general and saving it up for someone special makes me fuzzy-warm inside.

So, it shouldn't be that hard, right? Sure, there are more women in the world now than men but truly and frankly, another reason I tear up at weddings is because I'm pining over something my heart's beginning to give up on.

Ta.

P/S: May or may not be an exaggerated and dramatic reaction to this current replay.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Here we are

stag·nant
ˈstagnənt/
adjective
adjective: stagnant

  1. (of a body of water or the atmosphere of a confined space) having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence
  2. showing no activity; dull and sluggish.





Yeah.

Or perhaps, it's just because of a weekend. When other normal people may deem it reasonable to lounge around at home, I was itching to do something.

I know, I know.

Surely I have grown up from the high school student who says 'bored!' loudly every time she had more than a week's worth of holidays. This is evident by this very blog, if one is keen to peruse my earlier entries.

It seems like I have the same attitude with you, my dear confidant, as I have with praying to the Creator, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Only at times of distress, boredom or ultimate joy.

What's wrong with that?

Well, that's the thing. Praying shouldn't be an occasional thing, should it? It should be constant - the only connection to the higher power cannot be established periodically. Such a paramount link surely must be maintained at all times. Like our mobile data connection. In order to be on the latest updates of our friends' tweets or instagram photoes, it's more than possible to be online. A 24/7 virtual connection.

Are we then always online in our spiritual connection, 24/7?

#notetoself

Ta.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rejects

I am currently reading the Purification of the Heart by Hamza Yusuf.

Well, when I say currently...

It means I'm starting it again. I read it last week on my trip back to Penang but stopped a bit because of my unforeseen obsession with a Malay romance drama. (Good one, really. The only one I watched from start until end.)

From what I have read so far, one thing keeps coming back into mind.

If my memory serves me right, there is a line in the book that says when one is envious of another person's blessings, it means you are rejecting what Allah swt has already given you. This was under the covetousness, I think, which is explained as one of the many diseases of the heart.

You know that moment when you're just reading something and you immediately have to stop after finding a line which relates so closely to you? That was it.

I had to look up from the page and reflect on that.

See, we Muslims believe that the Maker has given the best He possibly can (and more, if we were truly to pay attention). Allah, the most Giving and Loving, yes?

So when you look at someone else's life and compare yourself to them, you may gain an unfruitful perspective of which that your life is lacking. You might even want to have what other people have; their looks, their manners and their knowledge.

This means to say, you wish for something else but not for what you have now.

But isn't what we have now what Allah swt has seen to be best for us?
Doesn't that mean we are rejecting what we have?

We are rejecting our family.
We are refusing the lovely company of our friends.
You no longer see the beautiful home you live in as warm.
You seek for wealth that isn't yours and forget the one in your posession.
The countless breath you take.
The sun. 

By being envious of other people, you are rejecting everything you have.

I was floored by this, until today and if Allah wills, all the time.

Ta.

(Talk about being abrupt lulz)

Monday, December 9, 2013

lolwut

This is it.

My writing -the only thing in my life that I have any egoistical confidence in since I am severely lacking at everything else- is officially commented as 'poor use of language.'

I'm not sure how to respond to this.

I blame it on my erratic blog writing, really. Since I tend to write emotionally and freely, I may have thrived in explaining what I feel but on an academic paper, it's beginning to fail.

Even now, as I think back on what I write here, most of them don't really make sense at all.

Maybe I should take up academic writing classes.

I don't know, man.

This requires an awful lot of reflection to be done.

LET US MEDITATE.

Reasons why I received a critical (yet helpful, all the same, let me make that clear) feedback on my latest assignment:

1. It was actually done in a rush.

This was also deduced brilliantly by my examiner. I guess it was that obvious, huh? Hahaha. I remember handing it in a day earlier because I had a Spring Cycle going on that weekend. I safely assumed I wouldn't be able to work on it with such an event coming up so I rushed it through. In hindsight, I could have delayed handing it in. Writing it up earlier was a good thing but by gosh, Nadiah, you didn't have to get rid off it so keenly. Got you a P- there, lassy. You reap what you sow.

2. I just need to stop writing long and complicated sentences.

For realsies. I'm even doing that now. Keep it short and simple. It doesn't have to sound lengthy if it makes no sense to other people. Short and simple.


Okay.

Lessons?

1. Love what you do. Assignments ARE GREAT.
2. Don't twist your own words around.

Ta.

Monday, December 2, 2013

hellogoodbye

I've noted a couple of realizations for the past few weeks.

1. It has been forever since I sat down and just dazed off.

For real. This was on a 3-hour train trip to Newcastle. I was just trying to look cool by the window seat and throwing my glance to the view outside. It just hit me. When was the last time I did this? That I actually sat down - no assignments, no lectures to go over - and think about stuff?

Obviously I think all the time but there was always that nagging feeling at the back of my head to not daydream for too long, to come back to reality as soon as possible. But for the brief stint of 3-hour where I was getting from point A to point B, and with nothing to do really, all I had to do was think. Freely. Unlimited. My mind can wander. I don't know...it felt like such a fleeting yet liberating moment when I realized that. If only I can preserve that state of mind. State of, if not entirely light, being less heavy, less burdened.

2. It has been forever since I wrote.

I've been blogging nonsense, evidently here. Fictionally, though? No way. See, it's my imagination. I have ceased to peruse it to write. And that made me feel like I've lost a bit of myself.

I still see writing as an integral part of myself until today and forever. I would not have been able to express myself at all if I were not to write. But I have been writing too much about myself. And my worries. And what I think. I have neglected to put myself in another person's - existent or not - metaphorical shoes.

I stopped writing those silly rhyming poems I used to in high school. All that unfinished stories and plots I had in my mind. Everything. I have missed to write for someone else, rather than myself. This only came to me when I was trying to write something to a friend of mine. Just a short one. To ease her.

So, that's it. I guess.

For the more mundane news:
1. Currently at home for Australia's summer break until March.
2. Coming home was like I never went to Sydney.
3. Been having this feeling that I am better off being away than being home.

But more on that later.
If I feel inclined to even confront that third statement.

For now,
and always,
stay safe.

Sincerely.