Alhamdulillah :)

I had struggled in vain, I realized one day during high school. And it changed me.

You know how they say adolescence is the phase of awkwardness for any person? It's true. Not to say that I'm already lamenting on teenage hood like I'm already an adult (hear my silent cry, people, I'm turning twenty next year T_T) but being fresh out of that phase or at least at the very end of it, I can tell you with conviction that it's true. For my part, heck yeah.

I guess it started during primary school, standard six. Cliques have been forming way before but I just realized the importance of belonging at that time. To belong. What an objective. Such an ambition for teenagers, it's almost cruel that the norms of society should impose the unsaid obligation. Also, peer pressure? Yeah, maybe. Everyone had their time and difficulty finding their own identity, yeah? 

So I started high school. New place, felt like a whole new world. New faces, new teachers. There were also familiar faces that were growing distant. Basically, the essence of it all was change. The transition between primary and high school kind of depicts a huge shift of a person's perception. I didn't quite fancy it, to be honest. I remember, while waiting for Abang (my van driver to school), I used to be so restless and anxious, sitting there on a bench in front of my house under the afternoon sun (junior high was an evening session) as if I was waiting for a death sentence.

In addition, I skipped only two weeks of my Form One. See, another thing about change is that it's quick, it's efficient and it won't wait for you. Already, I felt like I lost solid foundation. Those were crucial times and I missed it. Gosh, looking at it now, that was so naive! Hahaha.

Anyways, I was cautious, I think. Too cautious. Why? To belong. Ah, again with that purpose in a teenager's life. But don't get me wrong, life was fine. It was wonderful. I met friends I'll stick with for a lifetime, learned great things from dedicated teachers. It's just that everything was done safely. I don't think I did much, really, during high school. Just enjoyed life, growing up, getting to know myself and everyone else. But again, I must say, if given a chance to change my past, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

So what was wrong? I keep thinking nothing's wrong but then, nothing felt completely right either. Until I decided to look at myself. I mean, really look at myself. Not through the eyes of the high school crowd, not through the eyes of my parents or family. No, I finally grabbed a mirror in time and reflected upon the existence of Nadiah Jamaludin. Guess what?

I had struggled in vain, I realized one day during high school. And it changed me. True story. I had sought out in life for things that I don't even know of. Of something non-existent. I was just searching. There was no particular aim, no objective. But to belong? Hmm. To belong to myself, more like. To be loved by myself, more like. To be comfortable with myself, more like. To know each of my flaw and try to fix it everyday. To identify each of my strength and try to put it to good use. 

Then, came college and here, I learned even a lot more. Here, I had another epiphany that my struggles in high school? They were just because I was ungrateful of the things that I already have. So ever since that day - whenever that was, I cannot remember - I decided to focus on the little things that I usually take for granted. And that's also when I realized:

my family.

my friends.

my religion.

and, myself.

So, yeah. Okay, enough random stories about me. The purpose of it all was just to say that I'm going to try this new thing. I read in Tumblr, someone asked a question: Five Things You're Grateful For. And I thought, HEYYY that's a nice concept. Hahaha. So, you can say cerita atas ni yang panjang berjela-jela sampai pusing satu dunia tu - yeahh, more of like an introduction. Like ustaz yang selalu datang for ceramah malam Jumaat in KMB always say after talking for about half an hour, "Ini baru mukadimah ye." (Que -____- in everyone's faces, though, haha!)

So, here's to Five Things I'm Grateful For!

First, then! I'm grateful for tomorrow. Insha-Allah. Because that's when I'll actually start listing the five things. Hahaha. 

Until then, assalamualaikum! Peace be upon you :)