the pursuit of happyness

Lessons

2012-01-22T01:16:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you! :)

1. It's possible to wake up one day and find that all the bad feelings - the wondering, the cruel 'What If', the questions - are finally fading.
2. Letting go was never about forgetting you. It was to accept that I never will - and move on anyways.
3. All these? Takes one heck of a time.
4. Don't be scared of the future.
5. Focus.
6. It's okay. He will ALWAYS promise you something better. Ameen, insyaAllah!
7. Love thy family and friends <3
8. You're amazing.

That's all, for now. In so few words. Short, simple, concise. No grand elaborations, no jokes, no stories. Just what I have gained.

So, for now, farewell.

I used to write your name on a piece of paper, and threw it away. I know it's still there, somewhere, but I can finally, finally admit that I'm glad I took a peek and realized that everything is just as it is.

I HAVE A VIDEO TO SHARE. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! :D
But uh, people should be more serious. I mean, alhamdulillah, this video reminded me a lot when shown on last Friday's usrah at college. MUST WATCH.

Oh! And I found this quote on Tumblr, felt that it was so poetic, so true and lovely ♥

“Allah is to be acknowledged for beauty that bears no resemblance to anything else, and He is to be worshipped by means of the beauty which He loves: in words, deeds, and attitudes.”
-Ibn Al Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah

Yep, so I end my sharing thoughts before sleeping with that! Hihi.

Sincerely,
still learning, still making mistakes - and repeat.

That Moment

2012-01-06T23:34:00.002+08:00

It's not regret. It's not, I swear. I'm just thinking.

Somewhere along the line, I missed a moment with you.
That defining, life-changing, we-could-have-had-it-all moment.
And you know, once that moment is lost, it's lost forever.
The thing is, honey. Now, it's just me.
As it has always been. As it will always be.

But you know what they say?
You rid the old by finding a new.

First, we need love.

2012-01-01T11:54:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you :)

Here's to 2011. Hello, 2012.

Here is to my blessed parents. My lovely family, my hilarious brothers, my cuddly cat, my struggling grandparents. My aunts and uncles, my cousins. My relatives. For being there in the earliest years of my life. My rock solid foundation. Built on love, fueled by nostalgic memories. Here's to them.

Here is to my lovely girlfriends. The bond, the arguments, the laughters and most importantly, the love <3 The crazy things we did together. For being there through the awkwardness of adolescence. For existing in the probably most crucial years of my life - teenagehood? Pft. Here's to the boys. My crazy, crazy, funny boys. For amusing me, making high school something to look forward and to look back to. Thank you for being a friend. A good friend. Thank you. So here's to you.

Here is to my roommate. For listening to me, for talking to me, my first ever roommate. For being there beside me, night and day. Here's to my awesome neighbours. For the constant visits, the supply of food and the shrieking laughters at the middle of the night. Here's to my classmates. For bearing with myself. My weird, loud self. For the tears. The struggle. The harships. The difficulties. And lastly, for the knowledge, together. Here's to all of you.

No, scratch all that. No, it's not 'Here's to 2011 and hello, 2012.'

Here's to the past 19 years of my life. And insyaAllah, for the more years to come.

2011-12-31T09:37:00.000+08:00

Wow. Another year. Time flies, really. It does. I'm still in that hungover-dazed-lingering-feeling of high school. Maybe because KMB is like a school. Hehe. But anyways, when I think back of what I have been doing, I often say to myself, "Well, Nad, that was quite a journey."

It'll be sad. Learnt a lot. Cried like hell. That, I have to acknowledge. I'd like to think that I've become better. That people will always change and I hope, I pray, that mine was for the better. Bittersweet, eh? :')

Anyways, Naaaad, don't start on your overly negative posts now -_____-"

Here's a nice quote for the New Year, I guess. Love it to bits and may we all carry it out, insya-Allah! :D

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

Neil Gaiman <3

May you have a nice ending and an even greater beginning. Don't party too much! Don't wanna be collecting sins as soon as clock turns 12, do we? Pray, instead, you know only He can give you what you want ;)

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you.

Gosh, I can't believe itttt hehehe.

WAIT WAIT WAIT.

I'm TURNING TWENTY NEXT YEAR

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, dem. -_____-

In IB, we learn to fly ;)

2011-12-31T00:23:00.002+08:00

Three pictures: the epitome of my much needed boost. FIGHTING!

Much love to Tumblr ♥

New Zealand, Australia, MBBS, here I come :)

I cannot be left alone

2011-12-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

I get overly depressed. Hahaha.

To my non-existent readers, (except for you, Nad, yes youuu who reads her own blog like it's no one's business xoxo) I apologize for the overflowing of awesome, poetic depressing posts recently. I don't know why. And yes, I reached my limit.

Goshhhhh, I need to stop brooding over...nothing, really. Heh. Silly silly girl. Learnt a lot these past few weeks of self-torment:

1. Love? Heh.
2. Marriage? O_O
3. Don't think too much of it.
4. Next time, don't be a coward. Tell your feelings. Ha ha -___-
5. SERIOUSLY. y u no happy with what you already have? all those times, I've been telling myself to be grateful but I just wasn't. sigh. who I am to preach? gotta walk the talk, yo.
6. I'm a delusionally happy, optimistic girl. I am Nadiah Jamaludin. BAD FEELINGS, be GONE!
7. Someone Like You? Adele? Okay, getting tired of it. Hahahha.
8. LET'S LISTEN TO THIS INSTEAD. Yaaaaay!

Much love, way too much hurt but still keeping hope <3
Yours awesomely
Nadiah. Or Nadnad. Or NJ. Or, well, silly ol me :)

P/S: Learnt this from Chuck. Saying your name makes you feel in control. Say it with me people!

I AM NADIAH JAMALUDIN.

And I am okay :)

Reaching my limit

2011-12-28T00:56:00.001+08:00

But lips are still sealed.
Wounds reopening bit by bit.
But hearts are easily healed.
When you think
it's not even worth one bit,
remember those
who make you feel.

a moment of weakness

2011-12-27T21:13:00.002+08:00

1. can you miss something and not know what it is?
2. how can words hurt much more than physical pain?
3. what was the point?
4. what do you want, actually?
5. pray.

hmm.

my feelings

2011-12-26T16:13:00.001+08:00

they waver, but damn it, my decision is still the same.

so deal, with, it.

I'm the one who wants to be with you

2011-12-21T16:58:00.002+08:00

I have a grave confession to be told. I am a pathetic hopeless romantic. Sighs.

“For my entire life I longed for love. I knew it was not right for me — as a girl and later as a woman — to want or expect it, but I did, and this unjustified desire has been at the root of every problem I have experienced in my life.”
― Lisa See, Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

Hands down, I confess. I watched Pride and Prejudice again yesterday night. What with the recent desperately single and forever alone moments I've been having, that wasn't one of my best moves to soothe the heart at all. Went to sleep thinking, "Well, I'll be damned, Mr. Darcy."

I wonder if it's just a girl thing, you know? Gosh >.<
Just don't think too much about it, Nad. You'll go crazy.

Really.

Semua nak cinta, kan?

2011-12-20T14:11:00.003+08:00

Tapi kita lupa cinta mana yang kita sebenarnya perlu. Hm.

#3

2011-12-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

Kinokuniya ♥

This deserves its own post. I'm starting to think that no one reads my blog. But if you have been, then you surely must know I've written about books so, so many times. In all honesty, I don't think I will ever stop writing about it.

I've had this dream for awhile. And yesterday, I had the chance. My Extended Essay (put simply, mini-thesis - if you call 4000 words mini, though -__-) advisor wanted to see me at KLCC. She wanted to check up on my progress. So, I went. Had a lovely time roaming around first before meeting her up. While she corrected and read my paper, I stayed there beside her reading a book. In the midst of the bustling food court, I was there in my own world. After we discussed, she asked me if I had any plans.

I said, "Yes, yes, most definitely I have a plan." Shyly, as if pronouncing the name of my true love, "Kinokuniya." She laughed and replied the same, so we might bump into each other. Then, we went our separate ways. I stayed back to read her comments on my essay. It was exciting, the wait. At long last, I couldn't stand it anymore so I packed up and headed to my most favourite place on Earth.

It was one of those dreams come true moment. You just feel relieved. Finally, finally. I'm living it. See, I'm a simple person. All I wanted to do was be there, surrounded by books, by people who share the same love. I was content and felt that I couldn't ask for anything more. I had lunch at the cafe, sat there for hours, reading a book I brought from home. Okay, well, I might have asked for more books, since I was eyeing quite a few already but I had to restrain myself. I bought a book already last week! Though, I finished reading that, hahaha.

I guess there, I found my solace. You know? To feel truly that you belong?

I get excited at other bookshops, too. Mind you. But Kino, I don't know. That wondrous place is it, to me, when they say, the first love is always the most memorable. Sigh. Bless that magical spot of mine, the people who are there in search for something - knowledge, entertainment, anything - and keep it safe.

So, that's what I'm grateful for. Kinokuniya will always be a major part of my life! It never gets old :')

Alright then, good day, people! May you find your own Kinokuniya and Melawati, teehee.
Much love, and assalamualaikum, peace be upon youu :D

#2

2011-12-18T22:08:00.002+08:00

Pain.

You know what, I'm actually grateful for pain. Call me a masochist, yeah - okay, probably. Hahaha. No worries, though. I haven't and will never resort to actually inflicting physical pain upon myself. ...right, that too. I have my doubts by the looks of the bruises and scars on me. Oh, the accidental, ungraceful encounters with furnitures. They're my arch enemy, I tell you. Always in the way! >.<

So, yeah, pain eh? Have you ever felt like you're choking on air? It's indescribable, really. All of the sudden, literally, it gets harder to breathe. You're just drowning, struggling, reaching out for something. I drowned before. It was, uh, agonizing. You keep hoping for someone, for anyone to find you. You're trying but there's just no more air, no more energy. Not able to scream yet so loudly it was in your head, so loudly you screamed for help, in silent. Then, the stab. It creeps up on you. Slowly. First, a little poke. Then, it keeps coming and coming. You never knew you could feel it but you did, and in so many ways you could have never imagined. When in pain, you realize there are parts of you that you never noticed but have been there all along, only capable of surfacing at times of hurt. When in pain, the most raw emotions, the most basic thoughts and the core of your existence reveal itself. It's a scary and lonely place to be.

Then, why am I grateful for it? My dear, dear skeptics. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have been, well, me :) Just trust me ;)

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

― Jim Butcher

We're lucky, aren't we? See, when Acheh was hit by the Tsunami a few years back, it was devastating. Everything there was to read showed the destruction, the hopelessness and the despair. I was reading one particular article; interviews of those who went to volunteer (such amazing people, by the way). Memory fails me, now, but I roughly remember one of them saying what was their experience like.

He said that he saw so much suffering, so much loss and so many people hurt. But in a way, it was good. Because pain is good. It means that you're still alive. And that is a blessing in itself.

Right, I might have rephrased it and he might have not even said the same thing but that's how I remember it and that's how I'll always justify. All these difficulties we're facing: you can take it both ways - the easy or the hard way. The easy way? Look around. You're not the only one who has it bad, I always remind myself. You're not the only one. In fact, there are people out there who do not even get to eat good food, who do not even have the chance to educate themselves. There are so many more out there. And alright, look at the Prophet. Peace be upon him, he suffered even more than any man. All for the sake of Islam. He, whom Allah s.w.t. treasures so much could handle worse cases than IB or first world pains. Why can't we? Pain does another thing: it teaches you humility.

And this, I will always remember because my grandmother reminded me. Funny, eh? I had a friend who told me that she had listened to this particular ayat so many times from the al-Qur'an. She knows it by heart but one fine day, she finally understood it. It finally meant something to her. And this following hadith became that meaningful to me, a few days ago while I was sitting by my grandmother's bedside, aiding her and keeping her company. She said to me, "Nadiah, rasa sakit sangat. Tapi sakit ni, nak buang dosa. Allah dah kata dah, sakit ni untuk hilangkan dosa." Immediately, I knew what revelation meant. I knew what this meant, to me.

'Ata' ibn Yasar related from Abu Sa'id al-Khudri and Abu Hurayra that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "No fatigue, illness, anxiety, sorrow, harm or sadness afflicts any Muslim, even to the extent of a thorn pricking him, without Allah expiating his sins by it." (Related by Imam Bukhari)

Amazing, isn't it? Even in pain, Allah loves us <3

I'd have a lot to say about pain, really. But, well, then again I might be really officially be called a masochist. Hahaha. For that, I rest my case :)

Remember, pain makes you stronger, better and purer - only if you learn from it. Insya-Allah, together we strive to overcome it! For, verily after every difficulty, there is R E L I E F! :D

So, then, assalamualaikum, may the Peace be with youuu! Have a nice day, a good day, a good life. Whoever you are, I love you for the sake of Islam and, if not, humanity <3

#1

2011-12-13T09:59:00.000+08:00

So, I'm also grateful for today. Since I skipped yesterday's list. Eheh.

1. Melawati

It's the only place I feel safe. I often get amused whenever everyone asks me whether it's safe or not for me to jog all alone almost every other day. I know that bad things happen around here but I can't help it - I've been here all my life, I am deceived by the safe and secure feeling. Never left it for boarding school or anything. Leaving it for KMB was heartbreaking but I got used to it. I had to get used to it. I'll be leaving home for six years to Auckland, insya-Allah. So, ever since college started, I guess little by little, I was preparing for the goodbye, the farewell. Not coming back here for almost a month was my way of saying, "Okay. I'm ready to part from you. I'm trying." In a way, also, I think deep inside I was saying that to the loveliest people I've met in Melawati. Why am I grateful for it? Because it's home, it's warm and cozy. My comfort zone, my hiding place. But then again, a house is not a home...especially when there's nobody there. So Melawati should also entitle the people here! :D

Also...I'm grateful that this is my blog and I can easily change Five Things You're Grateful to One Thing You're Grateful for Today HAHAHA.

Later yaww.

Eh, assalamualaikum, may the peace be with you *cue Star Wars soundtrack hohoo*

Alhamdulillah :)

2011-12-11T20:18:00.001+08:00

I had struggled in vain, I realized one day during high school. And it changed me.

You know how they say adolescence is the phase of awkwardness for any person? It's true. Not to say that I'm already lamenting on teenage hood like I'm already an adult (hear my silent cry, people, I'm turning twenty next year T_T) but being fresh out of that phase or at least at the very end of it, I can tell you with conviction that it's true. For my part, heck yeah.

I guess it started during primary school, standard six. Cliques have been forming way before but I just realized the importance of belonging at that time. To belong. What an objective. Such an ambition for teenagers, it's almost cruel that the norms of society should impose the unsaid obligation. Also, peer pressure? Yeah, maybe. Everyone had their time and difficulty finding their own identity, yeah?

So I started high school. New place, felt like a whole new world. New faces, new teachers. There were also familiar faces that were growing distant. Basically, the essence of it all was change. The transition between primary and high school kind of depicts a huge shift of a person's perception. I didn't quite fancy it, to be honest. I remember, while waiting for Abang (my van driver to school), I used to be so restless and anxious, sitting there on a bench in front of my house under the afternoon sun (junior high was an evening session) as if I was waiting for a death sentence.

In addition, I skipped only two weeks of my Form One. See, another thing about change is that it's quick, it's efficient and it won't wait for you. Already, I felt like I lost solid foundation. Those were crucial times and I missed it. Gosh, looking at it now, that was so naive! Hahaha.

Anyways, I was cautious, I think. Too cautious. Why? To belong. Ah, again with that purpose in a teenager's life. But don't get me wrong, life was fine. It was wonderful. I met friends I'll stick with for a lifetime, learned great things from dedicated teachers. It's just that everything was done safely. I don't think I did much, really, during high school. Just enjoyed life, growing up, getting to know myself and everyone else. But again, I must say, if given a chance to change my past, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

So what was wrong? I keep thinking nothing's wrong but then, nothing felt completely right either. Until I decided to look at myself. I mean, really look at myself. Not through the eyes of the high school crowd, not through the eyes of my parents or family. No, I finally grabbed a mirror in time and reflected upon the existence of Nadiah Jamaludin. Guess what?

I had struggled in vain, I realized one day during high school. And it changed me. True story. I had sought out in life for things that I don't even know of. Of something non-existent. I was just searching. There was no particular aim, no objective. But to belong? Hmm. To belong to myself, more like. To be loved by myself, more like. To be comfortable with myself, more like. To know each of my flaw and try to fix it everyday. To identify each of my strength and try to put it to good use.

Then, came college and here, I learned even a lot more. Here, I had another epiphany that my struggles in high school? They were just because I was ungrateful of the things that I already have. So ever since that day - whenever that was, I cannot remember - I decided to focus on the little things that I usually take for granted. And that's also when I realized:

my family.

my friends.

my religion.

and, myself.

So, yeah. Okay, enough random stories about me. The purpose of it all was just to say that I'm going to try this new thing. I read in Tumblr, someone asked a question: Five Things You're Grateful For. And I thought, HEYYY that's a nice concept. Hahaha. So, you can say cerita atas ni yang panjang berjela-jela sampai pusing satu dunia tu - yeahh, more of like an introduction. Like ustaz yang selalu datang for ceramah malam Jumaat in KMB always say after talking for about half an hour, "Ini baru mukadimah ye." (Que -____- in everyone's faces, though, haha!)

So, here's to Five Things I'm Grateful For!

First, then! I'm grateful for tomorrow. Insha-Allah. Because that's when I'll actually start listing the five things. Hahaha.

Until then, assalamualaikum! Peace be upon you :)

Stabs you in the heart

2011-12-11T10:18:00.001+08:00

"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognised, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within."

Sigmund Freud

bosan aku dengan penat, enyah saja kau pekat

2011-12-08T11:40:00.001+08:00

Currently on repeat:

1. Dian Sastrowardoyo - Puisi Tentang Seseorang

2. Yuna - Backpacking Around Europe

3. Yuna - Ku Katakan Dengan Indah

4. Yuna - Deeper Conversation

5. Bo - Malam Ini

6. Amy Winehouse - Love is a Losing Game

7. Bedroom Sanctuary - Pulanglah

Slow and mellow :)

productivity

2011-12-07T12:01:00.001+08:00

i have long acknowledged the fact that i can never finish all of my assignments. because when i do, new ones keep popping up like mushroom after a rainy day, anyway.

so, i've decided to just not waste time. (and you're blogging here, because...?)

eheh.

anyways, whenever i'm tired of facing my laptop, doing assignments (and how do you explain the forever opened Facebook tab on Chrome...?)

okay, OKAY -___-

i'd take five minutes break and would wanna read a book. sigh.

even that, still, i grab one of the Malay A1 novels I have to study for next sem.

You gotta love IB >_>

Desperately Single

2011-12-06T16:17:00.001+08:00

It was one of those weak moments. Funny how I can laugh at it now but a few days ago, I was frustrated of having nobody to love. Hahahaha. Okay, okay. Well, maybe, not frustrated. But, yeah.

I don't know how it feels. And so, like all things I have yet to know and discover, it makes me wonder :)

I'm guessing it must feel good, yeah? Having someone there for you always. To love you, no matter what. Nothing to it, no strings attached, no boundaries - and all that cheesy love song lyrics. And the closest I can get to that feeling is to watch my friends feel that. At the risk of sounding like a Shopaholic series, I love helping out my friends get together with anyone. It made me happy but a few days ago, I wanted something more. I wanted that happiness for myself. In essence, I started being selfish. Ha ha -___-

It got me so bad, I couldn't think right at times. Susah hati kot. I couldn't sit still. My mind was faraway. Any sappy love songs made me sad. Any happy love songs made me mad. Boy, was I desperate. Hahahaha. I think if a guy confessed to me (hmm, unlikeliest possibility ever) I would have said yes right there and then.

To the extent that, sah ke tak solat pun taktau, boleh taaak?

That got me re-thinking. Ya Allah, such a lowly servant of You I am right now. I remember my kakak usrah said, she asked us to imagine. If we died right now, what would be in your mind? IB? Love? Food? Korean dramas? How would you justify that to Him? How would you justify that instead of reciting the zikr all the time, I was instead singing along to some foreign korean songs that you don't even know the meaning of?

I regretted it. So I prayed. And prayed.

Ya Allah, forgive for I have sinned! I kept telling myself. Your love should be enough for me. I repeated. Calm my heart down. Let my love be only for You. I know that he's out there somewhere but how do I think that I can love another person when I cannot even love my Creator? Ya Allah, forgive me for I have been thinking of other trivial things when I should be thinking of You. Give me the strength. Give me imaan. Give me. Give me everything to rid of this feeling.

Alhamdulillah! Tenang lah sikit hati ni. Adehh, parah bila fikir takde laki lagi. Tapi, tak ke lagi parah kalau salah jalan? Hmm. Jangan nak gatal-gatal sangat, Nadd! Diri sendiri pun takleh nak jaga elok-elok, ini kan orang lain. Papp, terkena batang hidung sendiri. Ohoii. Takpe lah, we keep trying, yeah? :D

Funny, though, how we keep asking. We keep taking. But what do we give in return? And hasn't it already been provided? Why, ask, for, more? Well, that's another story, isn't?

CONCLUSION: Desperately single is no longer an osem feeling. Only Allah must you depend on. Only He should be your One, your sayang or boo or whatever it is you people call each other nowadays. kthxbai.

Eh, assalamualaikum, peace be upon you! Tengok lah, salam pun dah lupa, heeee -__-

I'm done.

2011-10-19T19:52:00.001+08:00

What do you do when your best isn't good enough?

You set out to give the world your worst.

be none the wiser

2011-10-09T14:15:00.001+08:00

I'm a bit tired today. For the past few days, really. Yesterday, the most.

It all began with a small deal but being naturally myself, I tend to overthink things into a state of philosophical reverie, at times. Like when I lost my wallet last Ramadhan. I was endlessly asking myself, "Why? What is He trying to say to me?" And I got the answer. In college, I could just easily leave things around - laptop, handphone, wallet, watch. Because they are all very good people and being a thief isn't one of their goals in life. Yes, there are stolen laptops or what not but still, I gave everyone the benefit of foolish goodwill that no, no way one would steal. But the moment I let my eyes away from my wallet once I'm outside of college, it went missing and I was devastated. I bought that wallet with the impression that I'll keep it forever but forever, it seems, doesn't last that long. So, torturing my mind with what could have gone wrong, I learned two things:

1. You have to let your heart a bit of a room for itself and never get attached to easily to things because it can be easily lost. If He wants, then it will be, right?

2. Things in college - the wholesome, enlightening and precious enviromnment that is Kolej MARA Banting - is not the same as outside. I was so stuck in the comfort zone of college that I was hopelessly lost the moment I am in the real world. I forgot how it was like and maybe because, there's this theory that people tend to forget about bad things - so maybe that's why; maybe what I forgot wasn't a pretty thing either.

So, I'm tired of thinking. That's all. But then, that's everything we all seem to do, huh?

Here's to not think! Or to think! Recklessly, boundlessly and to think without worries!

Hakunaa matataaaa.

P/S: As you can already sense, this post serves very little purpose to mankind. Heh heh heh :D

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you :)

Emotions

2011-10-05T21:51:00.002+08:00

As Bee Gees would sing it in their amazingly bearable falsetto voice, 'It's just emotions taking me over.'

I guess I never really addressed the reason why. I haven't bothered to look pass the emptiness and finding out what's causing the hole. So here's my case study. (Being obsessed with watching House daily now from Season 1, let me do my thing and diagnose myself... you know, trying to do it medically to make it sound more legit.)

Of the symptoms in which lead me to believe I have been in a severe emotionally wrecked state:

1. I have pretty much devoured everything Jodi Picoult from my library. Now, if you must know, Jodi Picoult is a skillful temptress. She writes as if to bind the reader to the story so deeply until you feel emotional at the most molecular level. It's a trap, I have come to a conclusion. Yet I keep going back to read these depressingly realistic and heartbreaking stories of families, love, life and tragedies. Why? In high school, I never dared venture out of the typical fandom of Twilight. It's true. I read Twilight when I was 14 and everything else was a blur until came the Picoult phase in my life. I like to think that I reflect what I read. So I've been reading Picoult. So, what? You might ask. Well, try Nineteen Minutes or My Sister's Keeper. And you'll get what I mean by it being a worthy symptom.

2. My playlist has undergone a revolution. From good 'ol Jason Mraz and other top 40 hits commonly heard on radios that are pleasant to the ears, I have Adele, Ingrid Michaelson, OneRepublic, Sara Bareilles, The Script and many more along the lines of a regretful and nostalgic tone - played abusively on replay. These are the types that can cause a relapse of old sweet memories of high school or anything in the past. If not that, usually the songs mean something. It related to a friend I'm so fond of, or the craziest things that happened with the song as a background music.

Thank you, IB. Thank you.

Just as a reflection, though. I still do get too giddy at times I can just jump all over the place. Ohooo :D

Assalamualaikum, then! Peace be upon you! :)

calling for freedom, freedom :)

2011-09-02T04:50:00.000+08:00

Oh, God, thank you for giving us

the strength to

hold on.

- Maher Zain, Freedom <3

Truth to be told, this year, I've had mixed feelings about my own country. Once in English class, my lecturer asked us, "If it was one thing you can bring overseas to represent Malaysia, what is it?" I was baffled. I couldn't believe it. My classmates were answering enthusiastically, you name it: Jalur Gemilang the national flag, bunga Raya the national flower, bunga Rafflesia the rarest flower found in Malaysia, Negaraku the national anthem. Maybe it was because they were quicker to answer and I'm not too good at thinking quickly (ha ha -__-) but I was at a loss to find something - anything, Nad, I said to myself - to represent Malaysia. It totally slipped my mind. How could that be? Then, I came to the most fundamental question of the day.

What is Malaysia, to me?

This, I knew, was something I needed to answer myself.

Being in IB, naturally, I would soon rather than later forget about this issue. Hahaha. Silly me but when you're swamped with assignments, one can even forget how the world outside of Kolej MARA Banting looks like. The last few days in college before a break are always the stressful ones - those are the days you realize that you have still so many things to do before going back, the days that you have half the mind to NOT go for a holiday because of two things: 1) you want to finish up all your overdue work and 2) you don't even want to start on the holidays "gifts" each lecturer has passed onto you. But holiday came anyway and I'm officially on an almost two-week break for Raya, which coincides a day earlier with dear Malaysia's independence day. That got me thinking again.

So I first asked, why the change of heart?

Politics, surely. (Hahahaha. And of course I'm being biased. It's my opinion!) I never liked it in the first place but this year, in semester three particularly, we are required to study media which, oh joy to the world, features a lot about the freaking thing. In classes, we actually had to analyse current news (hint: Yellow, Egypt) and suffice to say, I got caught up with the whole thing. See, why I don't like politics - which shall now be referred to as 'the thing' - is that I tend to get too emotional. It's true. I'm a woman (woman, Nad, really? You're even barely a decent girl, more like, heeeeeh) so it's bound to happen. Everything just becomes so sickening, unfair, dirty and plain wrong. I choose no sides, I look at both point of views with distaste and that is why women are not meant to be leaders. Hands down! Shame, but true. Anyways, I grew bitter - I guess, in so few words - cynical? Maybe, towards it all.

That's what changed. Before this, I couldn't be bothered about the thing so I was able to keep up that hope for my country. I always had that mindset where no matter what's going on, no matter what happens - the people are still here, and that's where the power lies. The youth are more aware, people are getting more educated and we know that the majority isn't always the priority. Sometimes, you gotta listen to the minority, yo. The future generation. And I forgot all about it. That hope for a better future, found only in the innocence of younger minds and perhaps the adults too, if they were to stop and listen. Not to hear, but to actually listen. This is what we're trying to say.

This video kind of made me alive again. It made me remember again the most important things in life are simple, pure and sincere. That's what matters.

So here's to a better and more sincere future for Malaysia <3

On another note, this video is also cool. Not sure what people would say about the content, though, eheh. That's up to one's judgement. But the whole production of it is amazing! I love the soundtrack!

10 Tahun Sebelum Merdeka from Pusat KOMAS on Vimeo.

And that is all for tonight. I feel that I could have written a lot more but alas, the brain doth think too slow at 4 in the morning. Later, people!

Assalamualaikum yoo, and peace be upon you! :)

Let bygones be bygones, was it?

2011-09-02T02:56:00.000+08:00

I'm such a sentimental person. I think today I fully understood the nostalgic side in me.

Here's my Facebook status for the day:

The thing about the past is how you swear it's right there in front of you but when you reach out your hand to grab it, there's nothing but just a lingering feeling.

And you know how Facebook now has this cool feature where you can view what you posted on the very same day one year ago? So this was what I posted on 27th August 2010.

The past is like a ghost - they're always around but you should not let it haunt your soul.

This discovery got me thinking, "Oh gosh, Nad. You're so mushy, being fixated towards the past." Then, it led to deeper questions like, "Hmm I wonder what Mom's going to cook today for breaking fast?" and "What's so good about the past, anyway?" It was profound, really. I have always known that I have this forbidden mental affair with all things past. I tend to romanticize and exaggerate memories from yesterday. It's not entirely good, either! Sometimes I can feel the present slipping through my fingers, the future impossible to grasp - whenever I begin my nostalgia. The 'old days', I never thought I'd actually use those. Back then, do you remember...?

Nad, you can't go back. Time has only one direction: forward and that's where everyone has to go.
Right, okay okay.

Have a nice day, then!
Assalamualaikum and peace be upon you :)

Once, I wrote your name on a piece of paper and threw it away.

2011-08-20T01:54:00.002+08:00

I know the paper is still there in the corner, waiting for me to pick it up. I confess, I've sneaked a peek, looked back and stared longingly even at the memories it contained. I might have even opened it in my mental image, reliving the days with you again. I recalled how easy it was and how little did I know what you were to me. Back then, forever meant the rest of my life but now I understand, it doesn't work that way anymore.

It began when I understand that there are better things in life out there for me. Things that are actually possible to grasp and achieve. Things that I can hold onto. Not just some mere shallow feelings that I so agonizingly despair over. No, there are things like being a better Muslim or a better daughter or being a better friend to you, expecting nothing less or nothing more. For once, I saw myself. And if it's one thing you've taught me, it's that we can be whatever we want to be, if you want it.

That piece of paper will always be there, I know. I cannot burn it. It brought me too much lessons in the past that made me realize what I can do better in the future. So, no, I will not burn your name on the piece of paper because no fire can extinguish that corner you already have in me. Nope. But what I'll try to do is to avoid going to that corner. I can't promise that I won't ever in the future undo my actions. I might regret it - or not, I don't know. But rest assured, I will let it lie there in the hope that perhaps my timing was off or that I was just too immature, still. I will let that paper be, in the expectation that perhaps you and I, maybe not today, but sometime in the future.

Meanwhile, I'll remember everything you've said to me, taking it with me for me to move on from that name on a piece of paper I threw away months ago. To move on but not move away from that corner where I first saw you, gonna camp in my sleeping back and I'll try to move.

Right, paraphrasing The Script was an epic fail. Hahahha. Before I leave, here's a quote I quite love, from a lovely movie called You've Got Mail! :D

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So...good night, dear void.

So, good night, good night and have a good life :)

Peace be upon you, assalamualaikum ^^

come on, skinny love, just last the year ♥

2011-07-08T16:11:00.000+08:00

If you intend to fill your few minutes with a typical girl's rant, please, read on. If not, click that X on the top right corner of your browser, thank you.

Today, I'd like to share a quote. When have I ever asked for permission? More importantly, when have I ever not quoted in my blogs? Hihi.

"She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum."
— Jonathan Safran Foer

It's depressing, yes. But somehow, I'm rather fond of it.

See, deep inside, when I really do have nothing to think, to do or to worry about (again, when is that?) I always get the thought that I am not as brilliant as I like to think I am. It's not really hating yourself. It's just doubt. Now, how do I do this without sounding like I'm bragging? Right. One of the ways I can manage myself is that I console myself. I tell myself everyday that you're meant to be here. You are here so there must have been something or some reason why people see that awesomeness in you. What's there not to love? You are an amazing person.

But it can only get me so far. When times are hard, I personally always question and underestimate myself. Am I really that confident? What was I thinking, taking medicine? Why do I feel so alone? Okay, so basically I think myself too much until the point of depression. During these times, people tend to compare themselves with anyone who seems better off. Well, look at her. She's so nice, so sweet, so pretty, so lovely, so smart and such a good Muslim. During these times, I have to tell you, envy is a friend and also a foe. It's maddening.

Then, I read Hector. Remember the book I was reading? And the first lesson of his happiness really stuck with me.

Lesson #1: Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.

And I thought, hey, don't I do that all the time? Don't we all, in fact? The thing about me is that when I notice something, I'll notice it every time. For example, when I first learned the meaning of adequate, reading the papers or listening to people talk, I seem to hear only those words. Knowing something new but had actually been there all along makes you realize of how little you do know. Like today, I wore a blue baju kurung. And I felt that a lot were wearing the same colour too. It's cool, really, kind of like a selective perception.

So, when I read that lesson #1, immediately, I could see it in everyone. People compare themselves. And like for me, nearing to doubting the very core of your identity. What's more is that people tend to somehow be bragging of how bad they have it in their life. Pity, isn't it? We should be proud of our blessings yet whenever someone complains of having a difficult time, almost automatically you'd like to tell them your own bad day which is definitely worse than theirs. Why eh? Pantang dengar IB ni susah, terus nak cakap, 'Look man, you don't know what I have been through.' For moments like that, I'd rather shut up, really. Hahahaha. Being silent can sometimes make life easier :D

Right, then, comparisons. How do we overcome that? I still don't know. So far, I've only got down to - Nad, don't you care what people think. You have a purpose, fulfill it. But there must be a way.

To be thankful, perhaps? Hmm.

That'll be another day's food for thought, yeah?

For now, I'd go and dig back up that awesome part in mehh. Yeahhh!

Later, everyone and assalamualaikum, peace be upon you :)

Nineteen

2011-06-26T00:58:00.002+08:00

Another year, another day, another beginning.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank You.

I have way too mixed feelings to write about it this year.

So, then, until next time.

Hector and the Search for Happiness

2011-06-16T01:40:00.007+08:00

I didn't even need to read what's it about, this book by Francois Lelord. I immediately picked it up after scanning its title on the Literature shelves at Kinokuniya. It was so simple, so relateable, so human - to search for happiness. You'd be lying if you're not on this eternal quest. Even criminals commit crime because they are "happy" to do it.

So, why are we so transfixed on that one more piece of heaven? There's always something more to reach out for, something else to work hard for and nothing less that can actually complete your life, like that Jerry McGuire 'you complete me' kind of thing. No, no. I sometimes marvel at the reasons why. What are we doing, really?Are we that unsatisfied with our life? Probably, if you're clinically diagnosed as depressed, sure. But does that mean those who achieve the best in life; success, money, ladies, rich guys - all the works life can give; are happy? What is considered to be happiness anyway?

This is going to be tricky. Seems like we need to set up some parameters, build a box before thinking outside of it, eh? This is my personal definition of happiness and honey, this is me - so I'll only show you of the lovely quotes that aptly explains it ♥

"I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor — such is my idea of happiness." by Leo Tolstoy

“Joy can be real only if people look upon their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness.” by Leo Tolstoy

Brilliant, isn't it? I'm the clumsy type of person who always has nothing much to say. So I improvise by using quotes instead. Besides, it's amazing. How someone else from an entirely different time could feel the same way as you do. It makes me feel like I have found a kindred spirit. That is Leo Tolstoy. My daddy told me Russians write good books. They have a different way of thinking and they're very perceptive. Hihi. How true.

Anyways, that's all. I admit, I'm not an ambitious person. Hahaha. It's just me, simple and essential. No clutters, a clear and straight goal. So why in the world do I often get sidetracked? True enough, humans forget but at one point of constantly reminding ourselves, we should surely have remembered it by then, right? Maybe I have very short attention span. It seems like I want to do everything at the same time. The overwhelming of everything more often than not leads me to spend time thinking 'okay, Nad, you gotta do that, that, that and that' but in truth, I'm doing nothing much. It can be a bit frustrating eh, playing tug-of-war with your own emotions?

Then, I found this quote from Tumblr (latest addiction hihihi)

We don’t need much to make us happy, it’s when we want to be happier thinking others are happier than us is when we lose our happiness.

Ibn Mihsan al-Khatmi related that the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said, "Whoever has awaken in the morning feeling safe and secure in his residence, free from sickness in his body and has enough food for his day, then it’s as if he is in possession of the whole world.” (Ibn Maajah, at-Tirmidhi, and al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad)

Then, I thought, wow. It gives a whole different meaning in a religious context. I understood it as the same as what I have been thinking all this while, like Tolstoy's quotes, but in a larger picture. Again, it's Occam's Razor. Sometimes it's the simplest things that can explain that complicated empty searching feeling in you.

To be in constant gratitude. To be thankful for your life - a quiet country life or a cool urban city life. To be in selflessly serving people and lastly, to be doing the things you love in life. The one you're curious about, have passion for and will always see the worth from the struggles to achieve it.

That should be what it's all about, right?

Now, let's see if my self-acknowledge philosophy is true in Hector's life. I have yet to finish reading his quirky quest. I am looking forward for it :D

Later alligator.

(P/S: And yes, I finally unprivatized my blog. Is that even a word? Ah well. Hello again, blog world! ^^; )

Assalmualaikum and peace be upon you :)

the oath(s)

2011-03-20T00:59:00.003+08:00

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you, everyone! :)

Have you ever had the feeling that enough is enough?

It's not like when you've had too much cake to eat, you decided, 'Okay that's all for today, I've had enough.'

No, this one is different. It's when you reflect back on what you have done, what you haven't done and yourself - then you think of so many things that could have gone the other way around or better that how it went down. When you feel that sense of incompleteness in you, the only human right to be flawed and you say to yourself, 'That's it man, that's it. I have had enough. And I would very much like to change.'

See, I'm beginning to grasp the fact - I've known this since awhile but was never too humble to accept the reality -that making promises or life-changing oaths are easy but to stick to them, to hold onto them and to carry them out, now that itself is another story on its own. I feel like some hypocrite, ya dig? It's annoying me out frankly. GAHHH. Nad, what is the matter with youu?

-___-"

Really. One day, I made it. The oath: OKAY YOU HAVE TO BECOME (insert desired characteristic). But nothing happens. I try. Maybe, not enough? I am an epic total classic case of phail. Yes, with a Ph, instead of an F.

What do I doooo? Sigh.

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” - Edward Everett Hale

Eventhough it's from the last post but I hoped to God it would assure me now. A bit. I need to refer to al-Qur'an next. Here's another thought, it's funny how we turn to Him when we're in distress eh?

Dah dah, stop being so cynical and critical of yourself. Let's go to sleep! Okay, okay? Good night!

(Sorry, for there exists no purpose in this entry except for me. Heh.)

Steady as She Goes

2011-03-16T19:02:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you, everyone! :)

Today, I would like to talk about faith and complaints.

First off, no, I am well aware that I am not very knowledgeable to write about faith relating to religion. I still have a long way to go and compared to my peers in college, I am perhaps miles behind. I cannot quote a sentence from al-Qur'an at the tip of my tongue nor can I recall in the spur of the moment a fitting hadith to justify my statements. Even if I can give you all these ayat, I am struggling to apply it. I have an endless flow of flaws and very little strengths to balance it out. Honey, we're all still learning but I can live with that.

So what can I talk about?

Call me foolish but I believe that there is good in every bad, for everything. For every rain, there's the rainbow. For every disaster, there's the unity. (Japan definitely proved this.) And for every hardship, there is relief. I cannot tell you how I have the confidence to think positively in hard times. Sometimes I feel that my optimism is all a delusion. That I have skillfully mastered the art of lying to, comforting and showering myself with sweet words just to make my worried mind feel better when in fact the reality is far from good. It's just that again and again, I know that whatever burdens I have on my shoulders, I can face it because Allah loves us too much that he will never, ever give something that we cannot handle. He does not impose on us challenges that are beyond our ability to confront! Just that fact alone can pretty much keep me going.

Secondly, hate is a strong word but I really, really, really do not like complaining. I don't know. Complaining sounds a lot like whining to me, and I wouldn't want to listen to myself whine. It's annoying as it is by another person, let alone by yourself. To this, I have to be direct. Complaining makes me feel like I am ungrateful with whatever I already have. I mean, isn't life enough? Everything you can possibly need is there, waiting for you to notice it, that's all. It's just... entahlah, I always reprimand myself whenever I catch my mouth uttering a complaint. Other people have it worse, I tend to repeat, what makes you the only one? But before people call me a hypocrite, I have to say that no one can help it, everyone will eventually say complaints. It's human nature, I assume, to rant about what sucks in your life. Well, why don't we start ranting about what's awesome in our life? About the good things? The sweet memories. The victory after the fight.

Sometimes we remember so strongly the nightmares of the past that we tend to overlook the good things about it.

And, frankly - I don't know if this makes me someone very rude or anything - but if I am faced with challenges, I really cannot bring myself to say, "Why, God, why?"

No. No.

All I can think of is, "Why, Nadiah, why? You're supposed to know how to do this. Why aren't you bringing your A-game to do it?" All my weaknesses, yes, everything comes from Allah but we're flawed. We can never be perfect but we can try to better, always trying to be better.

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” - Edward Everett Hale

Right, enough contemplating for today. This is just as reminder to myself, mind you. I don't have anything against people who would want to just talk about their life. In fact, I'll be more than glad to listen to your say, worries, hardships. It's just that if you already have so much on your plate to worry about, why would I go about and add more to it by complaining too?

It's okay for you to do so but I'd rather not :)

Thank you for reading, though this is mainly for myself. Hahaha. Have a nice day, people, God willing! :D

Fearless

2011-03-15T07:35:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you, everyone! :)

I think it can't be helped, every girl has to love Taylor Swift's songs because she sings everything that a girl didn't get to say. Or is that just me making it up in my head?

By the way, my attempt to not log into Facebook was an epic fail. Yes, I should have seen that one coming. I remember, my last session was on Sunday, right before I travelled back to KMB. On the same week, by Thursday, I've the itch and I had to scratch it! So I clicked the golden ticket, "Forgot Your Password?" That was my lowest point but I can bear with it because soon after, it's amazing how fast you can change your password and stuff, I am back on Facebook yawww! Though, I have to say one thing, no one noticed it anyways, my struggles to be Facebook-less. So not only did I know that I am not that strong to withstand the power that is Facebook, I also realized that if I was missing for a few days, no one would pay attention. That was some reality check for me >_> Then again, I can't be expecting everyone to pay full attention to me, eh? I'm not a diva, wouldn't really want to be, anyways -_-" So don't judge me, people. I really did try!

I don't actually have anything brilliant to blog about today. (When have I ever?) I guess this is just a way to prolong the inevitable - I need to get started on my one-week holiday assignments that look like it's worth for one month holiday! Well, I'll be damned, IB.

But I love college, especially my class! Eheh :D

That's all. Must start working now.

Until we meet again, people!

Facebook Withdrawal

2011-02-26T22:34:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you! :)

Let's talk about what's been bothering me today, Facebook withdrawal.

See, the idea came from my friend. She was having her examinations, crucial to her pre-university course and she asked her mother to change her Facebook account's password. She wouldn't know it, naturally, and thus, she was prevented from logging into the virtual social world we seem to live on these days. When she had completed her papers, she asked the password from her mother and came back from the hell of reality to the cyber world. It was ingenious and I, for one, am trying that.

To permanently delete my Facebook would be too drastic. Another friend of mine has done exactly just that. One day, we were asking around where was his profile in that white and blue world of ours as it was just missing. Personally, I thought his account was deactivated and that felt weird for me because there were times when I wanted to share with him a link I knew he'd be interested in - and yet he's not there, not in Facebook anymore. Later, through my extensive and almost professional stalking expertise, I found out that he just wanted to be contacted through his phone and knowing him, I should think he wouldn't like to be chained by Facebook, as many, many times as I have felt recently.

It's undeniable, Facebook revolutionized the way we act, both in the real world and online. Back then, it seemed cool to have a profile name with fancy writings and that isn't really your name at all. That looks silly now, to think that I was such a person, gosh Myspace days! *rolls eyes* The simplicity of bringing your true identity and straightly coming out with it online - no secrets, no lies - was deemed impossible as well as risky to a person's right of privacy but now it's just the thing to do. No one wants to discover that deceiving youthful look was only the product of elaborate Photoshop editing. No one likes to be cheated into getting to know a seventeen year old girl who turns out to be a depressed and lonely forty year old pervert.

Due to FB, we tell everything to the world. We become great sharers, from the state of mind you woke up today until to the last thought you can imagine before dozing off. Everyone knows whether you're in a complicated relationship, in love, single or worse, fresh out of the breaking up war zone as well as the very person you are involved with.

Here's one thing to clear off: it's not that I don't want to be honest about my identity or my non-existent love life. No, my dear, not at all. The thing is that the heavy burden of obsession I feel. It's like everyday, I must log into my Facebook. If possible, I must have that page twenty four hours displayed on my laptop. Again, I am chained. My thought restricted to whether a person liked my current update, whether someone commented on my new profile picture and whether the whole world knows what my favourite songs are. Too much, I think of impressing my Facebook friends by posting up witty statuses and funny anecdotes of my daily life. I became so concerned with what is happening virtually. Facebook consumed me whole.

Perhaps I'm the easily addicted type of person. Others don't feel this way, surely. They know better than to spend their time on Facebook. They know that there are many other things to be done first before leisurely browsing through your friends' profile. I can stop and log out. Yeah, click click - you're out but the problem comes in when I become eager to know, whenever I am not on Facebook, did something happen? Did someone update their life? Was any of my physically distant yet close to heart friend online now? I get curious and so starts the session where I go out and into Facebook for every ten minutes. It's annoying, really. Sigh.

So I have decided to ask my younger brother change my password without me knowing. Damn. I have all the usual symptoms, by the way. Edgy. Like an itch I can't scratch. That empty, not knowing what to do emotion. But at the same time, I can only say one word: liberating.

However, it just occurred to my superior and whimsical mind the possibility that should my brother forgets the password he set for my Facebook account, what would I do then?

Now, that's just lovely, isn't it? You asked for it, Nad, you'll get it whole then.

Until next time, if Allah is willing, for us to meet again! :)

The Trouble With Love Is

2011-02-21T00:38:00.002+08:00

Like a drug that makes you blind, it will fool you every time - Kelly Clarkson.

Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you, readers! :D

Let's talk love ;D

Someone once asked me when I was younger, at fifteen I think, (cue in Taylor Swift's song) "Don't you want to have a boyfriend, Nad?" I thought, well, what the heck - I've got nothing to lose. Let's answer with honesty. It went something like this. I said, yes, of course I do. But all I know is now's not the time. Someday, perhaps but for now, I'm also in love - with my family, my friends, food and books. I'm satisfied with that and not yet searching for that special someone. And the person replied, that's the best reply he had heard so far.

See, I am an eternally lovestruck person. Back then, I felt it awkward and over-the-top to easily say I love you to a person. I really wanna keep it for when I mean it 100% percent. I wasn't lovey dovey or the touchy-feely type of person, God, no. In fact, now I'm still controlled. But after forever shutting those words inside myself and never telling them to the person I should have told, in my mind, there was not another moment to lose. Then, I found out that it wasn't so hard at all and it's actually quite easy to say to the people I often tell them to because, well, I do love them.

Coming to KMB, though, love is renewed, changed and hybridized. Yes, that's right. Here, alhamdulillah, the knowledge of Islam is given abundantly and I thank Allah for that. However, there's one thing that I find a bit not to my way. Credits to the seniors' divine intention, we have been told to place our love - yes, that lacey, brittle and vivid feeling - only in the name of Allah. All that we do, every breath that we take, every blessing He gives, all under His name. I personally do not mind but it's to the point where love to a human being is put to a side and in fact, even discouraged. Of course, this is only because when people say love - or cinta, in Malay - we immediately conjure up this picture of a boy and a girl sitting close to each other holding hands and stuff. That's the hot issue, that is coupling. When looking to that extreme, yes.

But let's not focus just there. We can define love as more than just two opposite sex's hearts becoming one, right? What about the love for a child or for a parent? Should we put that aside too?

The way I see it, the sweet, warm feeling of love exists only because Allah wills them to, correct? So why should we deny the emotions that He has created for us? In order to love Him back, shouldn't we appreciate too that butterfly in the stomach, the I'd do anything for you phenomenon He has stirred inside our human heart? Who are we to stop becoming what we are and that is, we are only humans :)

Sure, above everything else, Allah will always be my Only One but because of this, I also love my favourite people on Earth just about the same way.

Alright, just to pen my thoughts and that is enough for the night.

Good night, lovelies~

Premonition

2011-02-05T19:17:00.004+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum, peace be upon you! :)

Taken at Orchid Garden, Kuala Lumpur, by yours truly using just a handphone, don't need 'em SLRs yaww :P

As the years, they roll by, now I know, why I keep coming back to you - Natasha Bedingfield, Love Like This ♥

I do not know whether it is superstition or what but sometimes in my life I feel that something is bound to go awfully wrong. It is not that I am feeling ungrateful. In fact, it is because I am thankful for my life right now that I tend to think - good things like these never last.

I'm blessed. I don't need anyone to point it out to me, I know it already. I can feel it whenever I come back home from college to just see my lovely family; whenever I go out of arm's length - clear my schedule, forget my lazy time at home, leave my assignments - just to meet up with my crazy best friends (though I know my limits!); whenever I am in class, learning many great things and discovering newfound knowledge with my classmates in college now. Every single time I think back about what had happened, what is happening and, if God is willing, what will happen in my life, I cannot help but to be content and would not have chosen it any other way.

It's a comforting feeling, gratitude, that is. You don't feel the regrets of your past chasing you throughout your present. And you don't get daunting, immense possibilities of the future weighing down on your shoulders. You have that brazen and foolish thought of you being able to make it through life, come rain come shine, when you are constantly reminded of the blessings in your life. So that should be enough, shouldn't it? It should be fine. All is well, and life goes on. But silly me, I must have gotten used to so much in my life, I fear it being lost one day. I cannot begin to imagine if any of these blessings in my life are taken away from me. Because it can happen. It is possible.

"It is He Who gives Life and Death; and when He decides upon an affair, He says to it, "Be", and it is." (Al-Qur'an, 40:68)

Okay, I wouldn't want to sound so morbid here. But let's say, I cannot cope with my studies, that's the most gentle example I can think of. What would I do then? So far, alhamdulillah, thank be to Him, I am under a scholarship and my results for last semester are fine, more than I can ever ask for. These continuous rewards - I hope they are worth my sometimes mediocre effort hehehe - not only brings me joy, alright, but it also fears me. Such a contradiction, isn't it? Gosh, I need to stop thinking so deep, eh? -__-"

You're lucky, Nad. Live with it. Seize it, seize the day, carpe diem.

Whatever happens in the future will be the best for you, let's hope so! Hee.

Okay, contemplation done. I need to get my assignments done. I think I'm getting lazier when I get home now. It isn't good O___O

See you, I wish you all well, good day! :D

I'm Home

2011-02-02T21:24:00.003+08:00

I always feel a sense of achievement whenever I say that. Being a daily school student during high school years, I never actually left home for the exception of balik kampung, vacations or campings. So, whenever I survived two weeks being in college - my best record so far, I'm still trying - it feels like I'm really doing this, you know. The rocket has launched, the eagle has flown, the objective in progress. I'm growing up.

I guess I had been having that superior and egoistical thinking before. I thought that, if you can make it in Melawati, you can make it anywhere. I am so proud of surviving there, when my previous teachers told us about the world outside, I figured, "Hey I had a gist of it already. I won't be so naive when I face it." The thing is that they keep saying students are very sheltered during school years. We go to the same place everyday, in and out, the same familiar, comforting faces of your crazy best friends forever, the teachers whom you swore can already become your close friends. That kind of comfort zone takes almost a few years to build up. Despite all that, I still paid no heed to warnings.

No one can ever be really prepared, though.

Whatever reality you told yourself to believe, really, nothing can ever be like the real thing. High school was fun for me. Things happened. I heard stories of my peers, the good, the bad and the worst. I thought that was surely it, isn't it? No, not at all. Turns out, my teachers were right. We did live a sheltered life. The comfort zone I was talking about earlier? Forget about it. When you graduate school, you have to build all that up, not in the matter of years, but almost immediately. The world isn't going to wait for you to open up to people after being classmates with them for two years. No one has the time to. You have to make the first move. And you have to be quick.

I think there I managed well enough. It's not such a hard feat when the only thing you be is yourself. Strangers are, contrary to popular belief, easier to be friends with. What makes them so different is exactly what they are: strangers do not know you. They do not know your past, your guilts, your regrets. It's not as if you hide all these elements whenever you make new friends. No, that's being a hypocrite. But in my opinion, strangers don't judge.

At least, for myself, I try not to. It's not fair, is it? For me to almost decisively define a person without even hearing a word from their mouth. That's why I feel that in college, I surprise myself. Without realizing it, I have gotten to know great people in a matter of less than a year! Normally, I don't think I could have done that before. I'm the most comfortable person being in my comfort zone, seriously. Haha! I'm the sloth that doesn't move an inch all day.

It's just that if you give out your best disposition, then there's really nothing for you to worry about, being in a place alone and surrounded by strangers. Smile. Laugh freely (this might need to be controlled though, I think I laugh too loud sometimes hehehe.) Talk politely and drop the formal tone after breaking the ice. Always lend a helping hand. Remember, on your best behaviour and in return, you will receive the best treatment :)

Do unto others what you want done unto you! ^_^

Okay, but I still have that longing feeling to come home every week. Hihihi. Sometimes, I think I wanna come home just because I'm hungry. True story. Balik balik je, sampai rumah, MAKAN!

Yeah. Food makes me a happy girl! :D

Currently.

2011-01-31T20:15:00.002+08:00

Hungry for home. Literally.

Come Home - OneRepublic.

I want to read a book.

I'm a little tired of studying.

I need to jog.

Monday today, I just picked up the clothes I washed on Saturday.

It has been raining beautifully for the past three days in Banting, makes you feel like it's London

Except for the fact that I wake up late. Well, later than always.

I'm just ranting.

kthxbai.

28th December 2010

2011-01-31T20:08:00.003+08:00

It has been that long since I wrote anything for myself.

Thank you, IB.

Decisions

2010-12-28T18:59:00.003+08:00

In Economics, you cannot be better off without someone being worse off. We have scarce resources, we have to make choices and these choices lead to sacrificing your next best alternative by gaining whatever you have chosen. These next best alternatives are known as opportunity costs. I have always wanted to take psychology but it turns out that studying economics give me the same objective more or less. It's a study of human and how we make choices.

See, some of us can quickly make a decision without a doubt in their mind. I admire these people because I'm their exact opposite. It takes me forever to decide on a menu, let alone on books - my most treasured possession in the world. I have to keep my options open, I want to know what I'm getting into and I just love the agony of going back and forth over something. I'm a masochist, just so you're clear, by the way. The length of time I leisurely take to choose something life-changing is, well, really, enough to make someone get tired.

So all this time, I got the impression that I am a very indecisive person. To a certain extent, that's correct. You know, I would be a bad economist. In that subject, there is such a thing as making all other things constant, ceteris paribus. My lecturer says that it would be crazy to analyse the change of price of - let's say - sugar when you look at every single aspect that can be a determinant. You'd have to consider the customer's preference, the amount of sugar sold in the market and such things. You would be going off in circles and never finding the actual reason of the price change. That's why, my lecturer continues, you only analyse the price fall or rise by one aspect only while the rest, you assume, remains unchanging.

Now, what in the world is my point? It's this: I tend to think about everything. I'll go around in circles and barely find my solution. I'd think - look, if I really do this, that would happen and that would change other things and then comes this whole chain of reactions. That's why it's hard for me - or anyone for that matter, I like to think - to make a decision.

But I have chosen after considering everything.

And my forte is sticking with it, through thick or through thin.

I'm decided.

200th

2010-12-22T23:16:00.002+08:00

Reading back my blog posts from year 2007 is fun! I used to post up pictures for the Sports Day and all. Such diligence. I miss blogging like it's no one's business.

Anyway, here's to the 200th post on my blog! :)

You know you're amazing. So let other people see that, let them see you.

Forever truly,

your past awesome self.

Feelings

2010-12-21T10:29:00.003+08:00

"Hush now, don't shake or break."

I Go by Pete Teo

It still feels the same every time. And yet, different. Time has changed us. Matured us. No, ever since then, time has changed me. Matured me. You just didn't know. Those emotions are no longer but these feelings are familiar. Perhaps it's like an old habit that dies hard. I see. So, that's why it still feels the same every time. But slowly, it's evolving. What's funny is that I never thought I would get here eventually. Stronger, in my best hopes. Hey, feelings, guess what? I'm here.

So should I treasure it because it will inevitably be gone or because it will forever be there, dormant but existent?

Define: dormant

abeyant: inactive but capable of becoming active; "her feelings of affection are dormant but easily awakened"

I think.... I need to stop listening to jiwang songs. Hahahhaa. They'll be the downfall of me, I'm sure.

How I Miss High School

2010-12-10T09:47:00.002+08:00

I was listening to music on my brother's yesterday. It was Everything by Michael Buble and it triggered so many memories. I don't know if this is being emotional or what but it's a fact: everyone wants high school back. I know it's true, it's even worse when you deny it. It's like you know you love someone but you decide to keep that feeling away. It rots inside you. I should know that too. Anyways, I have been having flashbacks since yesterday and I need to put it all down. Here goes, the mushy memory lane down high school, admittedly one of the best years of my life, so far.

See, you probably wondered how did Michael Buble make me remember so much? My friends and I were a group of classy people. Cheh, not really. Ehe. The thing was that we could sit together at one point of a day when there was no teacher (or even when there was a teacher, haha!) and just sing songs. We even created a game for songs! When Everything first came out, it was still new so as new songs go, it kept coming up. I remember Faris asking me, which line of the lyric do you like most, Nad? I forgot what I answered but now I gotta say, the whole song reminds me of you guys. I remember Faris and Adnan, singing the LOVE song for oral during form three. Come to think of it, we even discussed on how in the world do we pronounce Buble in the first place. Guys, I still stick to calling him Bubble. Hehehe.

Yesterday, also, my brother was watching Russell Peter's videos. Oh gosh. This was one hell of an amnesia cure. Form five. We were crazy about Russell Peter. Hahahaha. Not a day passed by without Nabil acting out one of his jokes or Faris repeating them to me. I didn't even need to watch the videos at first. They were so into him. It's like Russell Peter became god all of a sudden. The highlight of form four was K-man. I really should think we ought to apologize to him for being so mean but we couldn't help it, eh. The moment he speaks, everyone knows it's going to be another happy crapping hour. Try talking to him now, he's living proof that despite everything, some things never change.

RECESS! Dude, I miss recess in high school. I can ask some unfortunate friend who's going to the canteen to buy food for me (Adnan and Hariz! Nabil! Ko-op peopleee!) or worse comes to worst, I'll just eat their food, like Faris's Skittles! I'd see my other ladies, Dba and Warda. We'd do girl stuff, gossip, walking around for fun, reading the notice board. And Naz, I don't need to say this, but I really do appreciate you treating me every day. Hahaha. I remember my obsession with Pau Kari Ayam. I think it was so obvious. Lil even wanted to do a story about pau, watching me eat the thing every time it's sold.

In class, okay, I miss sitting wherever I want. I miss people asking for my books to copy, I miss asking people's book to copy them. Adnan used to have my History book on loan to copy everything. At one point, I think it just probably became his notes. When something was due immediately, we'd look at each other and see if anyone was actually finishing the work. Doing an essay together took a longer time than expected. In class, Fatin's stories about her boyfriend(s?) were addictive. First, she would just share with Hariz but Naz and I will just butt in. While all this was happening, Aiman K and Adnan would sing at the back of the class with Felix and the gang.

To be continued :D

those innocent eyes

2010-12-08T11:52:00.002+08:00

UNICEF - Raise Your Hands, Stop Child Abuse

Click and care, as if you've never loved a child before, as if your own is being mistreated. We must stop hurting.

when what you expected didn't happen

2010-12-06T22:00:00.002+08:00

you find yourself asking, "now what?"

Finished my semester 1 today. Go IB! (Heavy sarcasm, ye.)

The last paper was Maths. I couldn't understand what I was feeling, you know. I wanted it to end quickly. So I can go home. But I find myself saying, well, there's no rush. Do I, as a matter of fact, love KMB? Hahahaha. That's a bit far-fetched. It's hard to explain. I see my classmates all fired up, people around me too, it's the last paper yaw, let's do this and go homeee! Normally, that would be me. Not today, though.

I feel like it's any other day.

PMS kot? -_-"

I was excited, however, to come back home and see my refurnished room turned bilik pengantin! Teehee.

MY ROOM NAO, rawr! :D

Okie, let's benefit these three weeks to watch Chuck, read my six English and Malay novels, do my hospital attachment and other not-so-beneficial stuff. Haha!

i can assume there's only one thing more frustrating than not being able to find someone, and that's not being found. i would want someone to find me.

2010-12-04T09:24:00.006+08:00

more than anything, we would all like to be found.

“Sometimes, people go missing right before our eyes. Sometimes, people discover you, even though they’ve been looking at you the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we’re not paying enough attention.

Days later, when I was feeling fit enough to venture outside on my crutches, under the gaze of Gregory and my parents, I hobbled my way across the road to Mrs Butler’s house with the photograph of her daughter in my pocket. The lantern-shaped porch light provided a warm orange glow above the door and drew me in, like a moth to a flame. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door, once again feeling a responsibility and knowing that I’d wished for this moment my entire life.

We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn that what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander farther and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness prevent us from returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering; sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find out own way out.

But regardless, always, we are found. ”

- Cecelia Ahern, A Place Called Here

Forever lost and waiting to be found,

nadiahjamaludin

already

2010-12-04T00:14:00.004+08:00

I feel like I'm on holiday.

So far I have:

finished A Place Called Here by Cecelia Ahern, borrowed from the college's learning (more like guilty pleasure) resource centre at 3.45PM, 3rd December 2010. Yes, check your calendars, that was only less than 10 hours ago.
watched two movies during exam season alone - 200lbs of Beauty (Korean, cute story) and The Social Network (AWESOME with capital letters is an understatement, srsly)
itching to read the other two chick lit I borrowed today - The Undomesticated Goddess by Sophie Kingsella and some skimpy one-night-stand-turned-eternal-love kind of story by Little Black Dress series. I wonder why the change of genre, that is the main question.

Oh, did I tell you that I will be sitting for my Mathematics Standard Level Semester 1 Paper 1 and Paper 2 on Monday? And that I have not yet even thought about revising, let alone touch the book.

Yeah, I think I put on my holiday mode way too soon O_O

my sun

2010-12-03T13:31:00.000+08:00

So bright

It scares me to look at you directly
all I can do is to stay away
from your light
and cover my eyes
yet you still streak in
in between my fingers
slipping so easily
into my heart.
.

be kind, rewind.

2010-11-23T14:24:00.002+08:00

Have you ever stopped in your tracks and wondered, where did all those years go?

I'm doing exactly that. Semester exam is just around the corner and my mind cannot help but to wander off every time I hit my 2-hour studying limit. I still cannot get over the fact how time flies so quickly. The fact that everything has changed. The fact that I have changed. The reality that things are not anymore as they were before. The truth that life is, according to Robert Frost, summed up in only three words: it goes on. Life does not wait for you to get back on track or cozy yourself up against a wall, shielding your eyes from the light of change. Yes, honey, time is a mischievous little liar, isn't it? It gives you the feeling of forever (in a slow and painful way) at the beginning but the next thing you know, the end had already happened, it had passed you by, faster than the blink of an eye.

To think that forever could actually last a lifetime when in fact it can end before you even know it is very naive and innocent.

I believe that we will always want the things that we can never have. We can never have the past back which explains why in my daydreams, I tend to picture longingly what I would be doing a few years ago. Would I still have the diligence as I do have now? (No, at this point, I am sure I am very much the same lazy person back then. Or else, I'd be doing Biology notes rather than write.) Would I still study at the very last minute as I had been doing before? Would I still be acting the same way? I don't know. No one knows but everyone feels the difference. For me, I noticed it. For example, perhaps I was more altruistic back then, every time I write down a list of names, I would put my name last because I'd let others become the priority. Now, I'll spell out Nadiah Jamaludin first.

A few years ago - heck, who I am kidding? A year ago, I'd lend a hand without any ulterior motives. I'd do it in honesty and earnest but today, I'll help with the thought that I want to be more helpful than others. I want to help because then I'd feel like a good person. I would help an old lady to cross the street, carry her bag, give her directions - all these in order to make people think how useful I can be. Since when being charitable is a competition, Nadiah? Every act has to be calculative and rewarding. Nothing should be done just because. What does that say? Maybe I'm thinking too much into it but even in scientific experiments, an uncertainty of 0.005, such a minute value, is nevertheless crucial to arrive to the final answer. It's the same concept. Surely, even the small changes in your behaviour affects your general disposition, right?

But, let's be fair. I asked a dear friend days ago, how can we make this better? How can we fix it? Time, she says. And time, I replied. Time heals all wounds. A broken heart, broken promises, fragments of reasons. Time can make all these whole again. It only takes patience. And a watch. (You need time, actually, but I put there watch, geddit? Hihi, okay, lame joke!)

I have hope that life goes on, time moves forward and people do change but the most important feelings from the past - love, comfort, warmth, security, friendship, all the touchy feely things - they never change. I hope so.

Everybody's Fine

2010-11-20T01:16:00.001+08:00

First the tears came. Then the fury: I picked up the phone and hurled it against the bathtub wall. I grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it down in one good yank.

But I wasn't mad at Adam; I was angry at myself.

It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you'd be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you're going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn't be there. Either that, or you'd confide in them and you added to their problems. All you ever really had was yourself, and that sort of sucked if you were less than reliable.

I told myself that if I didn't care, this wouldn't have hurt so much - surely that proved I was alive and human all those touchy-feely things, for once and for all. But that wasn't a relief, not when I felt like a skyscraper with dynamite on every floor.

Jodi Picoult, 2009, Handle With Care, page 511

bitter

2010-11-20T00:50:00.002+08:00

I don't know how to differentiate ignorance and passive anymore. I don't take sides, I am a naturally neutral person or on the rare moments I feel like it, I would rather have my own opinion instead of saying, "I'm with or against you." That's why I suck at debate. I'm a grey person, you can see, nothing is black or white, it's kind of both at the same time when you're talking about Nadiah.

I like to think that is because I'm just too lazy to bother. I don't see the point of making things worse than it already is. I had a saying back then, "Life is actually simple. Humans make it complicated." I still stick by it. If we selectively choose the things that really matter and come up with a solution for it, then it's fine. But, really, again, I suck at debate because I don't think winning an argument is victory for me if that's all there is to it, if at the end of the day, both opposing sides will not come to an agreement to totally solve the matter in the first place. So why bother? I choose to not get involved. That is, by my definition, being passive.

But ignorance, huh. That's another thing. Ignorance, to me, is when you want nothing to do with an issue at all. You tried to come up with a way to fix things but to no avail. You give hope to others that things can be straightened out and leave nothing to hope for yourself. Ignorance is the moment in time when you simply give up and leave, to just walk out of that door.

Right now, I'm beginning to think that I want to forget all this drama. I want to bail out from the mess we've created using our own hands. I'd like to focus on my own life now. Study for my semester exam. I don't feel like contacting anyone of you at all. I feel like saying, "Hi, I'm going away for awhile. Once you guys have made up and things are clear, let me know." Watching our forever, our lifetime of memories, our bagful of heavy promises to each other- all those, watching them break and fall apart, I can, as a matter of fact, start to think that I will live without you. Honey, I know I can.

It's just that I don't want to, not yet. Who wants to be alone? Who wants to abandon the joys in their lives? Somehow I cannot fathom why this happened in the first place. Honest, I think we're all being silly, foolish and frankly, as stupid as youngsters can only be. I don't want to let it go like this. I want to make things better. I want to see smiles. And, well, basically, I want us, the four of us that was in the past.

I wonder if humans were made to be this greedy or we just evolved to simply want impossible things, the very things that cannot be retrieved. Maybe humans were made to be masochists.

Just, don't. Don't make me think I can make it through my life alone. Don't make me feel that you were never as important as anything else.

Please. Just, stop. Stop hurting.

Sincerely,

the one who would run a thousand miles for you

but now,

she isn't so sure anymore.

Tinkerbell

2010-11-19T01:12:00.003+08:00

"there's some things, we don't talk about, rather do without. and just hold the smile." the fray.

Sometimes I wish I was the envious, ditzy, little fairy with a wand and a sparkle of magic. That way, one move and I can make all things better. But life isn't a fairy tale and frankly, honey, that's all crap - there was never a Neverland.

handle with care

2010-11-13T19:56:00.003+08:00

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

Late Fragment by Raymond Carver

I'm currently obsessed over Jodi Picoult's novels. They're so brilliant and rich with emotions. I fell in love with her style since My Sister's Keeper. She makes everything so personal, especially her characters. She gives this little anecdotes about their past and makes it as if we have known them all our lives. And it just so happens my college's library has the almost complete collection of her novels, I should think.

LIKE!

Okay, I have quite a reading list to get done with for this one-week mid-semester holiday! Better start putting on my reading mode which involves a perfectly comfy couch, a luxurious amount of time (er, really, Nad?) and great love for an escape.

Reading mode starts..... now.

Oh, the opening quote/poem is in the novel by Jodi Picoult I am currently reading, Handle With Care...which also explains the title of the blog, I guess. Hehe. Talk about originality!

Good day! ^_^

looking back

2010-10-26T20:05:00.000+08:00

whenever i feel that i cannot make it through

i turn on my memories and i can see you

you who were my past

you too who are in my present

only then,

can i look forward

to the future.

i appreciate Allah swt, His Last Prophet pbuh, my family, my friends from Melawati, my crazy classmates from M10B in college, my roommate, my neighbours, my usrahmates and even strangers.

sometimes it's nice to stop whatever you're doing and just remember everyone whom made an impression in your life. you get to correct your intention. you find out that, hey things aren't so bad. count your blessings. these people are there, even though not physically but they are the reason you are here since they are always in your mind, in your heart.

sometimes, it's not that we forget who we are. it's just that we're all drifting souls in this world and our only anchor, our driftwood, our life boat are these little things that we depend on all the time we tend to take it for granted.

it's autumn now

2010-10-20T23:11:00.004+08:00

because i'm falling for you like the leaves sway gently to the ground, slowly, piece by piece

I should stop being so poetically mushy.

By the way, the junk food variety here in KMB costs less than a good loaf of chocolate bun.

Damn it all, eh, for the temptation and scarcity.

Junk food, it is!

killing two birds with a stone

2010-10-16T21:00:00.002+08:00

By writing this blog tonight, I am cheating. My weekend English assignment is to find a sample production of a blog. The first thing I thought was, "Okay, easy enough, I remember I have a pretty dusty blog stored up somewhere in cyberspace." Then, we have to comment on the format of a blog entry, the sentence structure and all the technicalities. Pondering on how to successfully finish that, I had the most brilliant solution.

Why not blog about it? Come, not only will I now have a sample of a blog entry, I can also at the same time add my own opinions or extra information on how to write a blog. Yes, cue the standing ovation for my sheer genius!

When put down to the basics, I really have no idea how a blog's format should look like. My safest bet is that it has a date and the day you write the entry. After that, there is the title of your blog post and the content. This is according to each his own but I am going to throw another guess in anyway, perhaps a simple sign off by the author at the end of the blog - for example: yours awesomely, Nadiah J. Basically, a blog post is very personal and customized by the writer himself.

Alright, that's the cultural interaction bit taken care of. Next, language!

I have to say that in my humble blog, I don't use complete English all the time. I tend to add certain phrases in the Malay language because of the diction. Sometimes, writing the phrase in Malay brings much more effect than translating it into English. Also, I confess, the sentence structure of a blog entry can get a bit messy, depending on one's style. For myself, I prefer to emphasize on a particular sentence by making it into a paragraph of its own. My sentences aren't structured fully either. It could be just a phrase or a word.

Like this.

The usage of language is strictly casual and informal. At least, I use that in my blog but you can see a formal use of English language in a more serious and more informational blog. This little corner only exists because I like to write whatever that is in my mind and compile them all in one place - poems that I wrote, poems that have changed me, pictures, stories and not to forget, lovely quotes that ring true in its every word and alphabet.

Like I said before, when stripped down to the core, a blog is hard to define because it represents an individual's unique traits or personality. I don't expect everyone to blog about the same thing. Then, our ideas won't develop as much at all. A blog gives another perspective in life from a total stranger's point of view. You might come across an entry from a stranger living across the world and it turns out that they have the same opinion as you do. Isn't that a nice thought? Personally, my blog gives me the chance to express myself freely without restrictions. To have a blog is pretty much an act of liberation. A blog allows you to exercise your freedom of speech basically! Of course, with generous boundaries, mind you.

Ah, I cannot write anymore. My mind keeps wandering off to my unfinished biology lab report. I apologize Miss Anita! I shall work on the blog entry writing task soon! For now, to the biology lab....report!

Good night, people of the Earth :D

get your head in the game

2010-10-16T01:49:00.001+08:00

YEAH GO NADIAH!!

(No significance to this post whatsoever.)

tentang seseorang

2010-10-15T18:08:00.002+08:00

cinta, hanyalah cinta.

_________________________________________________________________

Tak ke pelik perasaan ni? Ye lah, cinta namanya. Main pulak dia dengan kita. Mula-mula buat hati melompat, lepas tu tawar hati, kosong rasanya. Sebab apa? Bukannya bertahan pun fenomena ni. Sekejap je. Kan? Tak penting sekarang. Banyak lagi hal, belajar lah, kajian makmal lah. Tak perlu. Tak perlu!

Tapi, kenapa bila dia pandang kita, gembira sahaja. Wah wah, kata tadi, sudah dilupakan? Atau sedang melupakan? Macam mana ni, hati?

Pelik la awak ni. Ah, biarkan.

______________________________________________________________

My pathetic attempt to write in Malay, lo and behold! Not only have I successfully destroyed the poetry in Malay words, I have managed to single-handedly translated lab report into kajian makmal.

Hahahahaha. What in the world is that?

these words

2010-10-08T20:30:00.004+08:00

i make it a point to memorize them.

____________________________________________________________

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

afraid and shy, i let my chance go by~

2010-10-03T23:22:00.002+08:00

You Don't Know Me ;)

You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Cause you don't know me
Oh no you don't know me
Ohh...you don't know me.

It's peculiarly reassuring how a particular song, when heard even after so many times and after so long, can always bring back the memory or the story behind it.

When words fail, music speaks! :D

better, Nad, better

2010-10-03T22:42:00.003+08:00

you can do better.

____________________________________________________________

Lite FM Swing Time ♥

Let's see. I left my diary at college. It has been ages since I wrote in it though. Recently I have been having the itch to grab any ink-like form and pen down everything. Tonight, it's a bit too strong. So, I blog, instead.

My dear. I can't focus easily now. I noticed this for awhile already. Every time I re-read my notes or try to remember a certain detail, my mind always wander off. I'm a bit absent-minded. Well, a bit is an understatement. I'm pretty much zoning off all the time. Oh gosh. How can I know this?

I lost my phone before raya break. Bought a new one. Almost lost that one...if not for my already annoyed classmates for my reckless attitude. I left/lost my shoes back at Penang during raya. After raya break, on my way to Banting, I dropped my retainers along the way. Ugh. It's not weird that I forget things. That's normal, in my standards, at least. Losing things, too, that I can handle because I always get to find them back. Not this time, though. They're just lost, unfound.

Am I worrying about something without me knowing? I mean, what would be on my mind so much these days that I constantly lose track of things? Sigh.

BETTER, NAD, YOU'RE WAY BETTER!

(Denial helps. It's a sad and sly way to feel good about yourself but, hey, neither does paying a therapist per hour to tell you the same thing you can tell about your own awesomeness.)

Okay, cukuplah untuk hari ini.

Selamat malam, dunia :)

alter ego

2010-10-02T01:23:00.003+08:00

now you see me. and now, you don't.

_________________________________________________________________

For the record, I now smell like cheese and pizza. I love that ♥

Oh yeah, and I have long noticed this but writers are very gloomy lot, aren't they? Hahahaa. Not that I can call myself an accomplished one, though. However, you have to admit, at least I do - every time I write, no matter what, it always seems so... not me. Really. I try to read whatever I have written years ago and it amazes me all the time. It's like rediscovering an old friend who knows you too damn well and you somehow forgot about the person along the lines of growing up. Truthfully, I am not all that liberally expressive in person. I only talk when I feel like it and I go by the saying, "If you have nothing good to be said, then say nothing at all." I have rare moments of being strongly opinionated about an issue. I really do not enjoy debating. Hahahaha. I'm just the worse fight you can get on with.

It doesn't look that way here, huh? Or probably, it's the same. I'm still indecisive, on screen, on line or in the face. Oh well ---

Anyways, I begin to wonder why some writings are just so in-depth, wise and totally different? I like to think that whatever one writes down is a reflection of his true self. So, then, how do I know? Whether my outward character is Nadiah Jamaludin or anything that I write is me? Could I possibly -- gasp -- be bipolar? O_O

(=__________=")

Okay okay. Stop being such an "inquirer," Nad. (Note: One of IB Learner's Profile. Yes. That's as close as I get to being one.)

Go to sleep now. Run along. Good night :)

by all means

2010-10-01T11:33:00.002+08:00

break me.

but i have to tell you, only i have the ability to let you do that. and for now, i won't. so just humour me because, honey, it's futile.

____________________________________________________________

I've been thinking about this a lot.

How do we define hardship?

Ever since high school has become a closed chapter in our lives, we separated to our own ways, my friends and I. In secret, I knew a great change looms over us. We will never be the same anymore. Yeah yeah, okay. Like, duh, Nad -_-"

Anyway, during the rare times we do get together and I do catch up with my high school pals, I hear the same freaking thing.

"(Insert whatever that you are currently studying) is bloody hard."

Every time I hear that, I go, "Oh, this again." *rolls eyes*

After some time, I'm the type of person who just lets it be and prefer to stay passive, I don't even bother complaining to them of how challenging IB Diploma programme really is. Seriously, I do not think any other pre-uni programmes or whatsoever has an active and dynamic survival website dedicated to all of its students. Right? I don't see A-Level Survival or Asasi Survival. Instead, we have this - http://www.ibsurvival.com. Now, that can only mean one thing. Either IB challenges are understood by a whole world range of students suffering or well, IB-ers prefer to lament on discussion rather than actually finishing up assignments. It's pretty much of both, really. Hey, helpful procrastination :D

That aside, yeah. Next time we meet, get a new line, will ya? It'll be a change to hear, "OH WHATEVER I AM STUDYING NOW IS FUN!" Because I'm beginning to think that way, IB is fun. Once you get past lab reports, plagiarism issues and the daunting idea of EE.

.... Okay, I'm complaining now. Hahaha.

Focus, Nad.

So, hardship. Everyone gets it tough, you know? Fine, if you want to point out how miserable your life is now, please scrape off the kiasu-ness of your life being the most depressing. Alright, I'm not understanding anything I'm saying now, let alone you. Here, let me give you a situation.

Nad: IB IS FREAKING HARD.

Friend: (snickers) You think YOU have it bad? Look at me.

Nad: But really, now, you don't have to worry about making the cut because if I don't, I can kiss overseas goodbye and guess what, Malaysian higher learning institutes do not recognize IB.

Friend: Seriously, that's nothing compared to what I'm going through.

Nad: But, okay, sure, I have two years to complete it. Dude, you don't have to go on 180++ hours of community service.

Friend: Nad, one year, Nad. Whatever you're learning in two years, all packed into one year. Think of that.

And so on.

I don't know why, tell me. Why are people so concerned about whatever difficulties they are going through is the hardest compared to anyone else? Are we so proud to be the one who most suffers? Hahahaha. That's some twisted logic.

Dah. This goes nowhere. Back to reports!

you know it's true

2010-09-30T23:35:00.001+08:00

Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long. - Facebook's likes.

_____________________________________________

I cannot agree more.

inferiority complex

2010-09-30T13:25:00.002+08:00

small. insignificant. invisible. sometimes forgotten. but, hey, i'm still here. that counts for something. right?

____________________________________________________

I am often amazed at other people's writings. Each time I read something good by someone I know, I'm envious. How can they manipulate words to such a maximum extent that it flows poetically, running the stream of consciousness like a river? See, I tried using it there. But bah, it doesn't work. I used to like to use flowery words. Sentences so twisted; people take time to understand. Long-winded. You know, beautiful. Then, I stopped. I stopped writing lovey dovey stuff. I just had enough. I prefer sounding wise and straightforward. I now choose to just say it. Say what you really mean, Nad.

And I think I know why.

Because not so long ago, in a life-turning decision, I decided to keep a secret. I made the decision to tell a lie and say it; say what I actually don't mean at all. I willingly chose the oath of silence. And the lesson is?

Never again will I do it, since honey, this one truth in my heart is enough to last me lies for a lifetime. So, never again tell lies. Only speak the truth, because it hurts less than knowing you missed the one chance to let someone know how you really feel.

“The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception." - Friedrich Nietzsche

i am no longer the same

2010-09-27T23:40:00.005+08:00

but then so are you.

__________________________________________________________

I remember being homesick. It was probably the worst feeling I ever went through. I will still feel it, at times. I didn't understand even an inch of the helplessness before. Really, it caught me off guard. I never knew. I never knew what it would be like, even the word homesick didn't register much. Gosh, but when you finally experience it.

I guess we're all trying.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

i'm a quotes lover and i'm enjoying it

2010-09-25T21:20:00.002+08:00

the discovery of the perfect assemble of words that hits a chord in your heart.

it's magic.

http://makkah.wordpress.com/positive-quotes/

the mind does not know what the heart wants

2010-09-23T15:28:00.003+08:00

the logic usually denies. reasoning cancels your wishes.

when you know, you know.

all you want to do is smile at him.

talk to him.

laugh with him.

sit beside him.

when you know all that, don't think.

feel.

feel it grow.

feel love spread.

Sharing is caring :)

2010-09-22T19:04:00.005+08:00

According to a report given by Muslim, he (S.A.W.) said:

“Woman was created from a rib. She will never be straightforward and consistent for you in any way. If you enjoy her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in spite of her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her, and her breaking is her divorce.”

This description given by the Prophet (S.A.W.) eloquently describes the reality and nature of woman. She will not remain consistent in the way her husband may wish, but the Muslim husband must understand that this is her nature, the way she has been created. He should not try to straighten her in the way he is convinced is correct, but he should respect her unique feminine nature and accept her the way Allah (S.W.T.) made her, complete with the “crookedness” that means that she will not be as he wishes in some aspects. If he insists on straightening her and molding her to his wishes, it will be like trying to straighten a bent rib: it will break in his hands, and the breaking of a woman is divorce (i.e., the matter will end in divorce).
-Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi, The Muslim and His Wife

There, complete quotation. What about that, IB, plagiarizing much? Hahaha. Anyway, that aside, wow, I really love this bit of the article. I'm doing a coursework on marriages or more specifically, husbands as the leaders of the household. Upon researching, I came across this article. Ah, here's the catch though. It has to be written in Malay. Ugh. I'm proud of my mother tongue, really I am, but that does not mean I am that good in elaborating in Malay. My words are simple, just enough and frankly, dull? -__-" My classmates have 20++ pages worth of vital religious informations whilst I only have good 'ole 17 pages of how to find a guy. Nad, Nad. *shakes head*

Fare thee well, since I need to touch up on my work and oh gosh -- memorize the meanings of juz 30. Oh, dear me.

God, I'm scared.

2010-09-18T19:31:00.002+08:00

The future is so mysterious.

Give me the strength to make it through. To be true to myself. To never forget my intentions for doing this. My family. My lovely friends. Give me, give me the utmost strength to admit to myself that I need Your help because sometimes, humans are that way. We are so afraid to acknowledge our fears. And I thank You. So much. I'm all Yours. Most of all, give me the willpower to always be close to You.

Amen.

****

I read a quote yesterday and it was one of those perfect assemble of words that just hits you right here, right in your big tender heart.

"Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand."

It's all around Tumblr, I think. I'm sorry, being in Kolej MARA Banting, plagiarizing is a sin but I really don't know the source. Haha. Look it up and thank that person, yeah? I'm just spreading the love. Anyway, how it relates to me. Huh.

I have this superior way of thinking that I can easily detach myself from anyone. I think I'm strong and in some ways, maybe I really am, but who knows? I get the feeling that being alone is perfectly natural and that you can make it, alone.

But.

It sounds sad, doesn't it? No matter how independent you are, you cannot make it, alone. I learned that and I'm still trying to reach out because I'm so used to handling it by myself. Everything. I have trouble saying, "Help me. I don't feel so strong to do this anymore." I have immense difficulties to freely express my feelings or problematic thoughts. I feel it unnecessary to do so. Do you know what's funny? I cannot find any other reason for this behaviour other than pride. Pure, selfish, foolish pride.

Sheesh. Get over it, Nad.

Even Adam asked for a companion and he was the first person on Earth. Imagine us.

Okay, going back to college tomorrow. I'm feeling overwhelmed with a heavy heart, a lazy ass and a rusty brain. Wish me luck O_O

sing to me this song

2010-09-16T00:52:00.003+08:00

On another note,

Beautiful ♥

2010-09-07T07:41:00.005+08:00

CAPTION: A Palestinian Muslim man decorates an alley of Jerusalem's old city with festive lights in preparation for Ramadan on Tuesday, Aug. 10 2010. (AP Photo/Muhammed Muheisen)

It's magical :)

Melancholic

2010-09-07T00:49:00.003+08:00

For English, often my lecturer asks us to define words that we already know the meaning; read it many times in different books -- but once prompted, you can never seem to explain it exactly, you know? Example: how do you differentiate between feeling grievous or melancholic? After shuffling through the newly bought dictionary which only one of us brought (eheh -_-"), she tells us that grievous is the sadness you feel and it gives you great pain physically, so much that you'd think you were having a heart attack. Well, of course, I'm paraphrasing (haha!), she says it in a less dramatic tone but something along those lines, all the same. Whilst melancholic is that moment where you just feel down without knowing why. "Have you ever had that feeling?" asked my lecturer who preferred to be called by her name instead of our habit of calling most of our lecturers in college by the term, "Teacher" or "Cikgu." We're not in school anymore, yep but old habits die hard, I guess. Back to her question, yes, of course. Everyone feels the blues, right? It just hits you like some unforeseen rainstorm but my comfort is that it fades as suddenly as it appears; a gloomy weather that turns into a fine, clear day.

Today, I am familiar with the emotion. It's a sly trick for the heart to play on you. One moment you get this real good feeling about the new day and the next, you begin to wonder the point of your very existence. Extensive stalking blog hopping today made me realize how so unambitious I really am. Other people can easily admit that they want this or that, to achieve a certain goal and acknowledge their competitive edge. As for me, I can easily admit otherwise. I am not competitive which worries me, because does it mean I lack motivation? Or well, what, Nad? So many times, I think that whatever I do is enough and every single time, I find that I have let my guard down by settling for mediocrity meanwhile everyone else tries even harder than whatever I have done. I always thought, "Don't let other people get to you. You have your own pace. Go with it." But how do you know whether your speed isn't lagging you down? If so, then, must we always be on high gear all the time?

Gosh, I wish I could stop asking so many questions that no one is going to answer.

Moving on, er, my point was to find out what the word is for feeling good without knowing why. Anyone? Because I know I feel so fine now :D Nyahahaha. Okay okay. Stop.

Maybe I should sleep. Yes, that might probably the most rational statement I have written today, thank you, finally.

Good night, world. Don't miss me too much while I'm in dreamland ;D

Comeback? I remember how I used to love really long titles for my blog posts and this is really cool, again, I tell you :D

2010-09-06T06:41:00.003+08:00

"You ever love somebody so much; you can barely breathe when you're with them?" Eminem, Love The Way You Lie.

Love is amazing. One moment it can change you and another, it can destroy you; love is amazing, all the same.

_____________________________________________________________

I haven't been blogging, I know, but there were so many times I just wanted to write. I can feel it, you see. Writing was an outlet for me, to express, to let it out. So when I chose to study something other than language, truthfully, it felt like I was cheating myself. And my words started to turn cautious, carefully selected, as if to build a distance and one by one, I lay the bricks to the wall from there to what I really feel. It was an experience similar to purposely leaving your car keys inside your car and to lock yourself out. You suddenly find yourself unable to get in and stuck - not in the car but - in the great, big, vast world.

Slowly, I'm crawling back in. My dad used to say that he was McGiver whenever he tried to open up a locked car. Maybe, me too. Hehe. It's easy really. Once you accept, then you get the concept that yes, things could have been the other way around but hey, guess what, they did not. Or something like that. Seriously, this is not regret talking. Haha. This is the mind when it wanders a tad too far away from its supposed task to think about assignments. When the mind wanders, we easily get lost huh?

Thus, people of the world, I'm here. I'm still here, okay?

So see you around ;D

Honestly?

2010-08-28T08:14:00.002+08:00

I miss writing.

Many, many times I think to myself, here in Kolej MARA Banting, what would it be like if I had chosen to study English instead? Especially when the moment comes; the moment where I feel that IB is challenging and I prefer to read a book than do anything about it! But then, I don't go far into the thought because the people around me in college will remind me how truly blessed I am. They're really funny people, and gosh, they. are. SMART O_O Being surrounded by familiar close friends since primary, I forgot what it felt like to meet strangers and to get to know them. Things happen. Jokes are abundant. Hahaha. I feel that staying there, I keep saying, "COMEL SANGAT KORANG NI." ♥

And to think that I was scared the world is ending. Heheh. Oh well. Back to Chemistry. For the record, stoichiometry at 6AM is FUN. (May or may not be sarcasm, you be the judge. Ha ha -_-")

“May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future”

2010-05-25T10:08:00.003+08:00

I read in a book and it says there that, 'the past is non-existent.'

In context, that statement was true. When one wishes so badly to turn back time and change things that are regretted deeply, in other words, being desperately stuck in your own maze of twisted history, then, yes, the past should be non-existent. We should, as a matter of fact, turn our backs and walk away from it.

Then again, I wondered, if we feel this urgency to purge out the past from our mind, we won't even learn, will we? About the mistakes we did. About the abundance of good things we took for granted. About how we could do things differently with a better attitude. We will never learn that because of what happened before, these very events that we so persuasively want to forget, they shaped the very core of who you are now. Didn't they?

Didn't that little crush and a huge heartache after that make you the strong person you are today? Or maybe, didn't a failure in one phase of your life ask you to come clean and demand the better of your efforts the next time you try again?

We're doing it wrong. It's not right to forget altogether. We need to remember. We have to engrave it in our mind, the memories, and yet detach ourselves from it. The past is like a ghost, (maybe, hehe, I don't really believe in it but it makes a good metaphor) they're always around you but you shouldn't let it haunt your soul. The way we're doing now, closing a chapter of your life with such disdain is not right at all. That's just running away, isn't it? That is a lot like a person who gives up on life entirely and just get by, still breathing but not living.

Because, really, you can't have a new life. Hahaha. This is the only one you've got. So, sure, I'm also trying to close a great chapter in my unwritten story. I'm trying to graduate from the bittersweet chapter filled with memories from my school, especially high school days. I have the same problem too, you see. Only I wish to begin a new story with sweet, sweet feelings towards the previous chapter. Nothing bitter. Nothing serious that I wish to be stuck in and replay the memory forever in my mind. No. Just sweet lingering feelings of my past. That's all. It isn't that bad, right? :)

And to rephrase my title, "may the better dreams of your past be the reality of your future for all its grandeur and may the worst nightmare of your past be only that, be history for all its ruin."

"If you want to be happy, be" - Leo Tolstoy

2010-05-20T10:23:00.003+08:00

I used to be a very insecure person. Whenever I walked pass by a crowd of giggling girls or sneering boys, I used to think that there was something funny about me and they were all laughing about it behind my backs, however not so discreetly. Yes, I was that.

But I'm not anymore. At least, not all the time, heheh. I wonder what happened?

Guess I stopped caring about it, huh.

i don't know the title?

2010-05-15T16:20:00.002+08:00

It feels like I have not written
about you since the last time I had.
No, even my sentences don't make sense.
Truly, maybe I have long forgotten you?

But why is that I still remember
every thing you said to me before?
I can picture you without a doubt
in my head, love and all its galore?

Ah look, I'm starting to rhyme again.
The first stanza was just outta hand.
Though writing with my lucky blue pen
means I never did get over you, what then?

Am I still under your spell, your grace?
Would I be more than just a friendly face?
Will I ever know, in your heart, my own place?
Do you know I always think about in my daze?

Ah, look, I'm starting to love you again.
The first pain of heartache was unplanned.
I guess love--to it, there might be no known end.
I think the heartbrokens just get by as well as they can.

"Sometimes we'd never know what's wrong without the pain, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" - the fray

2010-05-12T22:28:00.004+08:00

I love to run with that song. The Fray puts meaning in every word so I couldn't agree more with that line. I have always been a masochist. It takes me mistakes to realize what I've done wrong. It takes me depression to get to joy. It takes me hard work to achieve success. I should stop torturing myself so much but hey, it got me through SPM. Haha.

Life isn't the same anymore. It's moving on. We're moving on. I have this foolish wish things can be the same. Things won't change but little did I know, without anyone of us realizing, it changed anyway. Things do not need our approval, they go their own way and we have to cope. With reality. With expectations.

Things are different now. We can't do it anymore; doing whatever we want without thinking of the people around you. Even if it's your own life. Others are part of it too, you know? Let go, let go. Besides, you get back what you give away eventually.

That means we have to lose in order to gain.

Sigh, that's just life, no? C'est la vie? Oui.

Misunderstandings

2010-04-29T23:02:00.001+08:00

Things are not usually this bad before, right? If only we can sit down and talk. If only we listen.

Honesty

2010-04-27T10:04:00.002+08:00

To be listened to is, generally speaking, a nearly unique experience for most people. It is enormously stimulating. It is small wonder that people who have been demanding all their lives to be heard so often fall speechless when confronted with one who gravely agrees to lend an ear. Man clamors for the freedom to express himself and for knowing that he counts. But once offered these conditions, he becomes frightened - Robert C. Murphy

So listen to me. Then you'll find honesty. What I really want to say, I might not speak it. What I say, I might not mean it. Words without meaning are only words but with purpose and pure intention, those same exact words can change you. So listen to me and you'll find honesty, you'll find peace.

Blog? What's that?

2010-04-22T23:04:00.002+08:00

I am beginning to think it is a pandemonium, to cure man of his boredom with the vast spreading available internet. All of sudden, these cool websites start to pop up, you know? Tumblr, Facebook, Formspring, Twitter. It's just hard to keep up, not that I feel the desperate urge to, yet if you miss out on one of those, it's a big thing. Hey, I'm only still (yeah, right) seventeen. I have to be cool and sign up for every single thing that my peers sign up for.

As a sign of mild rebellion, I never maintain them though hahaha. They collect dust and leave me be, occasionally spring-cleaned whenever I feel like Tweeting, Tumblring or Formspring-ing a friend. Frankly, they are all unnecessary. I can't even maintain a decent blog (note: this very one) that I created few years ago. God knows what's going on with the rest then.

So, yeah. I've been doing nothing which I hope is a good enough reason for having nothing to write about XD

Later ^_____^

okay, so here's the thing

2010-04-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

I have no thing. I've been so useless, so hopeless, so insert-adjective-here-less.

Oh, and it is in my greatest confirmation that I now believe not a single tortured soul is reading my blog therefore I have the utmost importance to exercise my right of freedom of speech.

Also, I need to lay off reading classical authors.

OH WAIT. That's the thing.

I RAN OUT OF BOOKS TO READ.

That's all. Thank you, bye.

after three months of not writing a single essay, this is the outcome, proceed with caution

2010-04-13T00:16:00.002+08:00

My Past, My Present and the Future

In my opinion, there are only three careers that are worth biting your teeth into in this world; to be a mother, a teacher and a doctor. Out of those, I know at one point in life, I had to choose. So, I thought and considered the advantages. Then, I decided that I, at the young age of eighteen, a fresh high school graduate, would aspire to become a doctor when I grow up.

My full name is Nadiah binti Jamaludin and I was born on 24th June 1992. For the past seventeen years, I have lived in the peaceful and green Taman Melawati, Gombak which is located in the state of Selangor Darul Ehsan. I come from a big family of nine including my parents and I. The rest of my six siblings are all my brothers therefore I am the only daughter of my wonderful family. No matter how typical you might think of this but I really do think my family is the best thing that could happen to me. Because of their support and their achievements, I too feel driven to succeed as my parents and my brothers have done in their life. School-wise, I went to Sekolah Rendah Kebangsaan Taman Melawati (1) for my primary school years and later, moved on to study in Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Taman Melawati for my whole five high school years.

Being one of the best daily schools in Gombak district, it was an honour to be educated by SMK Taman Melawati’s highly experienced and dedicated teachers. It was through their guidance and advices that the school is widely known for our constant academic achievement for the past decade. Also, the whole student body always has this undying pride of being a fellow Melawatian. I assure you, this is not arrogance but only the cherished spirit of knowing that the events that occurred while studying there might have shaped who we will be in the future. In my case, such events would be highlighted into two chief activities.

Since my Form One year, I have been an active member of the school’s Scout Society. I committed my Saturdays to follow all the Scout activities, for example, a half-day expedition around the school compound and sometimes around Taman Melawati or entering the school and district marching competition. Not only that but basic knowledge to survive in the jungle was also taught such as back wood cooking, how to tie various knots and how to build gadgets from only bamboo wood and rope. Only in my Form Five year did I manage to become one of the committee members of the Scout Society as the Cooking Quartermaster. My role was to ensure the well-being and nutrition of Scouts in the case of any camping program. I had to estimate budgets for food, give orders to serve them efficiently according to time and make sure everyone was well-fed since most of the time any campers would be under the care of the Scouts Committee Members. Might I point out that in this society I developed a better character to be more organized as well as it was one unique experience to be working together as a team and form bonds with fellow Scouts.

Then, at the height of my Form Four (2008) year, I decided to enter the PERSADA school magazine committee. To become a member, I had to go through an interview and gratefully, it went very well. Soon after, I was in the English Department as a reporter. Mainly, English reporters were assigned to various school activities (Sports Day, Teacher’s Day, Hari Anugerah Cemerlang) and we were asked to submit official reports to record the event. On the other hand, our school magazine publishes articles made by our own students in Malay, English and other languages. Therefore, members of English Department needed to collect and edit only the English written articles. There I was- while struggling to keep up with the Form Four syllabus which was not a honeymoon year as one might think- writing reports and gathering multiple poems/short stories from the students. However, the hard work was worth it; to be able to contribute to the school after so many years there by playing a role in the school magazine though I have to say that the year 2009 was even better as I was appointed as the Chief Editor of the 2009 PERSADA school magazine.

Often, that fact caught me off guard. I never thought I could deal such a huge responsibility but I was equally curious as to how this new experience would give me opportunities I know I cannot grasp if I declined the position. Indeed, for once, I chose wisely. Being the editor entitled me to oversee the whole process of producing the school magazine from scratch. There were chaotic and troubled times but with the help of my friends whom I grew accustomed to as fellow colleagues, we managed to make it through the year. The committee had to organize photo shoots for the class pictures and collect materials such as the aforementioned reports or articles, the class pictures and the school leavers’ pages. Each department played its own role significantly and that experience gave me lessons in life I will never forget. I learned that as a team, we have to always consult each other and make decisions as a whole. Huge events should be planned beforehand with more detail so that on the day of the occasion, no time or effort will be wasted. I learned all that and I am thankful for everyone who helped me.

Now, my high school legends aside, after having finished my SPM examinations, I found myself asking the same question over and over again. What will my future be like? And upon deciding my career as a doctor, excitedly and curiously, I could imagine it with such detail. The future, in my vivid imagination, shows me that I will proceed to undergo an established pre-university program in order to further my studies overseas. My first choice is International Baccalaureate Diploma and secondly, Cambridge A-levels. I chose IB diploma as the first because it is an all-rounded program. Unlike CAL that is academic oriented, IB diploma requires the students to think outside the box. I believe that under IB, the students have to take a subject called Creativity, Action and Service. That attracted me immediately; the ideas to not only learn knowledge but also to unleash our creativity, to act our hidden potentials and to contribute by finishing the required community service hours. Based on these reasons, I feel strongly to choose IB diploma before A-levels. Although, despite my preference towards IB diploma, to me, A-levels program is just as brilliant.

After two years of pre-university education, I hope to finish my Bachelors of Medicine and Surgery (MBBS), preferably in Australia under their many reputable medicine schools such as the faculty of medicine in Monash University or University of Melbourne. The justification of Australia as my country of choice is because I believe I will feel more comfortable there. Studying overseas means that I will have to live independently and on my own thus it is only natural for me to choose a country that is closer to home after Malaysia. Besides, Australia has a lot to offer to international students and is one of the world’s top research countries in medicine especially Monash University. As known, Monash also has a campus right here in Malaysia and I find that very convenient. This means that Malaysia recognizes Monash’s education system and that assures me. Not only that but I have always been amazed by Australian outback, adventurous environment and its multicultural society. I know I can relate to that as Malaysia also has a similar community. Would it convince you more if I say that I was fascinated by the fact that Australia is also a continent and a country at a same time? Yes, such a reason did compel me to make Australia as where I will study in the future. Basically, suffice to say, I don’t see any reason why not Australia should be my first choice.

Then, coming back home with a degree, I will serve my country for a few years. However, that’s not the end of the road. I also wish to pursue my Masters, if possible, though it’s still too far for me to even reach right now, I believe that I can and I will. The reason would be that in my family, we have been taught that one should keep learning always and always until one’s deathbed. We value knowledge in this home so importantly that if all else fails, education or books should be our solace. I would love to honour that principle by continuing to study Masters and thus, specialize in a specific branch of medicine that can be done after becoming a general practitioner.

This is to say that my career plan will make me work as a specialist doctor in the government sector. My backup plan will be to work as a lecturer in one of Malaysia’s universities. I even already have a special affection towards the branch of paediatrics in which I could study about the treatment of infants and children because, like me, I too want them to see their future in those innocent eyes. In other words, I wish they can dream and imagine and finally, pray to God, they succeed. As in the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a French philosopher, I quote, ‘the future belongs to those who give the next generation reason for hope.’ I am convinced I want to be that person, I want to give a reason for hope and most importantly I want to share my knowledge that I will learn, if God is willing, under MARA scholarship. Thank you.

Written by,

NADIAH BINTI JAMALUDIN

I Hope You

2010-04-01T22:41:00.002+08:00

Notice how I always look at your back
but when you turn to me, I'd look far away.
Or I would turn into this super clumsy wreck,
and my blushing cheeks give my heart away.

Realize when I could stay up very late
waiting for you to come and say Hi to me
Yet you don't know that because after eight
I start to think that you don't even fancy me.

See and look closely on how I seem to laugh
even louder and livelier when you're around.
I know it sounds cliche but that's just love,
it makes you cry, makes your heart pound.

Beating, thumping against my trembling chest
Hoping very much that with only this little effort
you could see how only with you I'm at my best
how only with you, I could feel love and . . hurt.

This happiness, though bright, would overflow
and burst into tears. I hope you know all this.
It is not fair but I just wanted to let you know
before I seal this feeling deep inside with a kiss.

"My alma mater was books, a good library…. I could spend the rest of my life reading, just satisfying my curiosity." - Malcolm X

2010-03-30T11:49:00.001+08:00

"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers."

- Charles W. Eliot

I love this ♥

23rd May 2008 - twas the semester one exam and this was my English essay

2010-03-19T11:33:00.003+08:00

I turned back and took a second glance and realised that the man was my long lost friend. Instantly, memories flooded my mind. It played, flashing in my mind vividly, like an old recorded video tape. He stopped too and noticed the curious looking lady practically gazing at him. My cheeks flushed red a his expression turned into confusion. Maybe, I said to myself inwardly, the last time we meet was a long, long time ago. That must certainly be the reason.

So I smiled to him and was prepared to turn away. Surely he had forgotten and I chuckled at my own wishful thinking. Then, hesitantly with the barest trace of recognition on his face, he smiled back at me too. See, he still remembers. Right? Slowly I raised my hand up and waved. With so many questions in his mind as to whom I really was or had we met before, he took the first step forward towards me and another and another until our eyes met, though I still had to glance up slightly. He had and always have been taller. How long has it been? I mused while also trying to think of something to say. Was it four years ago? Or maybe three? I shook my head in frustration at my horrible reminisce.

"Is that you, Adrian?" I finally mustered the nerves to ask him. I summoned all my courage and chased away all my fears, especially after we stood there so blatantly obvious in the middle of the crowd. Five seconds ago, I swear we were the only two individuals in the universe, funny how that works, when everyone suddenly fades into the background and in your sight, only one person is in focus. His expression, I couldn't understand but I recall now he always had that one look before he does any mischief.

"Hello, Nadine," he ignored my question and greeted me so casually with a playful grin plastered on his face. I knew it. It was him and he knew me too, it was all just a pretense, not knowing my familiar face. I was overjoyed at this sudden twist of fate, too much to even bother about his usually annoying practical jokes about my height, the first thing I expect for only him to remark after not seeing each other for so long.

“You’ve gotten taller, I see,” was what he said with a fake straight face. I lightly hit him on his arm and pulled a face. It felt so easy to get comfortable, it only takes seconds really, to get used to an old friend.

“Shut up, giant,” I called him back with my tongue out. Both of us let out a laugh and I decided for him to treat me to coffee while we catch up on what has been happening in our lives and how everything has changed. Secretly though, I hoped, we didn’t.

I met Adrian in high school and it was in the most extraordinary way. Being a new student right smack in the middle of the second semester of senior year, I mistook him for a teacher. He certainly looked the part with his crisp black trousers and tucked in white shirt. He told me he taught the English and History subjects. I took his word for it, only to meet him the next day in his proper school uniform. It turned out he tricked me and in truth, he was just like me, a new student.

For days after that, we didn’t talk. We both tried to settle down and were busy but I thought about him a lot. That was mainly because I felt guilty- bless my good conscience- after finding out his true identity, I threw a fit and he probably thought it best to lay low for awhile. He thought well despite that it didn’t last for long. He approached me and no matter how I spat out at him- I was feeling quite stressed moving into a new place and all- he stuck by me. That’s how I know we became good friends; when he felt like it, he was mad at me too and we often argued but to overlook that, we also shared so much bliss until at one point, we just depended on each other without realizing it.

For example, there was this one time during our school trip to a theme park. It sounds childish, with us being high school students who could actually go there by ourselves but apparently, the teachers ran out of ideas. Anyway, my other friends dared me to enter the Haunted House. Now, it was known to everyone very well how terrifying and also fun that experience would be but there existed a tiny little problem for I am a coward for the terrifying and fun. In fact, in my opinion, that was probably the worst combination ever. Despite knowing this, or maybe that being the very reason, my friends were so persistent at it. Right there and then, in that historical moment, I made a very life-changing decision.

I told them to, “Bring it on!” with such vigour. However I was also the genius who later got lost in the twisted and scary maze. The darkness didn’t do much help either. Confused and defeated, a thought of living there for the rest of my life did occur to me. No one would even realize that I was missing. Well, no one except for Adrian, my knight in shining armour though hardly a charming prince. It was a typical rescue-me crisis yet he went to extra lengths of scaring even the ghosts away with his demands to enter and search for me thoroughly. The irony and tragedy of it all made him forbid me from ever leaving his sight. On our way out of the nightmarish place, the hand that pulled me trembled. I found out later that he too was a scaredy cat and we left it at that.

So many years have passed since then. We graduated, grew up and eventually lost contact, all the years that had gone, I think sadly as I look across the table while cooling off my cup of cappuccino.

“Do you miss me that much that you just cannot stop staring at me, Nad?”

I roll my eyes while he gives that priceless smirk of his.

“I do not, you sly little jerk," here we go again.

unsaid, unsung, unwritten

2010-03-18T23:05:00.001+08:00

Some things are better left alone.

Right?

"Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company", Lord Bryon

2010-03-17T12:33:00.002+08:00

I want to write letters. It's a bit of a loss though, when we already have internet, emails and messengers. But I feel that letters are more romantic, even more so than having the thoughts being spoken face to face. I guess I've been reading too much Jane Austen and other classical authors eh?

Well, to be fair, letter writing is already a dying art and like all things dying, we should bring it back alive.

Maybe when someday I'm studying overseas, I can do just that eh?
And send it off with a kiss. And wait for the warm reply to come back to me.

"Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten," G. K. Chesterton

2010-03-16T21:56:00.003+08:00

I don't think I can tell you how much I really love books.

I swear, even after I know I wrote quite a number of posts about just books. So, you know what, I won't even bother to tell you other than, read. Read and read some more to wonder about. Read to grow, read to be educated. Just read. That was even the first instruction He gave to Prophet Muhammad, iqra'. So, read and fall in love constantly with the stories. Because maybe someday, you have a story to tell to the audience too and you'd better be well-read to tell a real good story :)

Anyway, I have bought so far six books, thick and thin, for the past two weeks. I have finished three. I love this. I think I can read forever if I need to!

Sigh.

“To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.”
- A C Grayling

"To do nothing is the wisdom of those who has seen fools perish," George Meredith

2010-03-15T21:27:00.002+08:00

Serious.

I am running out of things to do.

*eyes the ever so thick, unfinished War and Peace novel*

Oh shut up you.

UPDATE: went blog-hopping, Aiman Adlina Zetty's, then decided to do the survey that was there. I love surveys, the perfect way to waste time :D

1. Do you like your name?
Yes, I do very much.

2. Have you ever wished to be your opposite sex?
Can you believe it? Yeah, I did when I was a child and the only girl with five brothers but now, being the only girl is very cool :D

3. If you were to have children, what would you name them?
Never thought that far but I'm sure my future yet to-be-found husband and I will think of it together

4. Do you even like kids?
YEAH! They're so adorable but I think I scare kids away hahaha.

5. What time do you usually go to sleep on a weekday? On a weekend?
Whenever my bed, the cool air-conditioned room and my soft blanket call to me, sigh.

6. What's your favorite word?
HELLOOOOOOOO.

7. Have you ever tYpED lYk dIs at some point in your life?
Hahahahha I did, I did. But I grew up, others should too :P

8. What's your dream career?
Full-time housewive, I kid you not. Hahaha. And a kick-ass pediatrician/psychiatrist.

9. If you could be any other race, what would you be?
Nad-race. Hahaha. I'm essentially Malay, lazy but determined when time comes!

10. What are you listening to right now?
Bottle It Up - Sara Bareilles

11. Grab any book by you, turn to page 69 and type out the last full sentence here:
"He had never quite understood what it was that his grandfather did," Enchanted Glass by Diana Wynne Jones --- I ALWAYS have a book with me!

12. Do you like country music? Rap?
No and no. That reminds me, Taufiq, my younger brother, said rapists instead of rappers. Hahahahhaa. I'm sorry if that's offensive but it was funny.

13. How would you like to die?
I don't know.

14. Do you like taking pictures (not necessarily of yourself)?
Aiman's answer: YES!!!
Nadiah's reply: mesti la kan ambil gambar I kena pakai make-up setebal alam. hahahah.
Nadiah's answer: Yeah :D

15. Do you use ":]" a lot?
:)

16. Are your neighbors annoying?
Hahahhaha. Not sure, maybe...maybe not?

17. Ice cream or popsicles?
Ice cream!

18. What was the last thing you drank?
Coffee...waktu maghrib. memang tidur sebenarnya.

19. The last time you left your house? Where did you go?
Sunday, drive Kancil around Melawati. hoho.

20. Are you loving life?
Yes

21. Do you like the way you write?
Yes, I think I write very awesome-ly. Hahaha.

22. What's your favorite animal?
Cats!

23. How many times have you used the restroom today?
Didn't count

24. Are you hungry right now?
Yeah. Breakfast, kueh teow. Lunch, leftover kueh teow. Dinner, so far none. Oh, and snacks in between. Hahha.

25. Turn on your TV (unless it's already on). What's playing?
Malas lah.

26. Do you like video games?
Nope

27. What's your favorite Pokemon?
Pikachu? Honestly, that's the only one I remember

28. What was the last thing you watched on YouTube?
Hipster Image - Make Her Mine

29. Are you cool with bugs?
Not really huge ones though heeeee.

30. Do you like Halloween?
Maybe if we actually get candy for treats in Malaysia

31. What do you want for your birthday/Christmas?
Books, food, time, happiness, and many other cheesy things, hehe

32. Have you ever fasted?
Obviously, oh my gosh, hahaha

33. What's going on tomorrow?
Tuesday? More house chores!

34. Are you doing well in school?
Aw, not in school anymore :(

35. Do you have online friends?
Yeah but it's just I haven't seen them for awhile, does that count?

36. Do you think you're popular?
Of course, my close friends just LOVE me. Hehehe.

37. How much money's in your wallet?
10 Malaysian Ringgit, just--- just don't-- just don't tell me how sad that is T_T

38. When was the last time you laughed really hard?
Warda and her geography. SIGH.

39. What's on the cover of your science binder?
What's a science binder? O.o

40. Do you believe there's such thing as an non-racist person?
Hm, nope.

41. Do you pass on chain letters?
If they were funny, yeah only after much consideration.

42. What do you do for fun at home?
Becoming an excellent housedaughter :D

43. Can you wiggle your ears?
Hehe I would love to, it's a skill!

44. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because they are suicidal.

70. How do you pronounce "caramel"?
Kah-ra-mel

71. If you could be any animal in the world, what would you like to be?
My lovely neko (cat, in Japanese)

72. Are you the jealous type?
Not sure, never experienced it. I think. Hehe.

73. Do you keep a journal/diary?
Oh I forgot about it. Haha.

74. Have you ever used Xanga?
Ah I'm getting tired of these questions. No.

75. Do you have a made-up language/alphabet?
Tak.

76. What fingers do you use to type?
Semua.

77. Is there something you need to have/to do to be able to sleep?
Music

78. What day is it tomorrow?
Tuesday

79. What time is it now?
10:09 PM

80. Do you believe humans evolved from monkeys?
No but we seriously act like monkeys, hahahhaa.

81. What's your favorite board game?
Monopoly?

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how," Friedrich Nietzsche

2010-03-14T21:48:00.002+08:00

I sometimes wonder if people struggle as much as I do in my life.

That is how I know that I am actually pretty conceited. I did at one point believe that I have it harder than others. I thought that I am the one whom people should sympathize with. I am the one under unfortunate circumstances. I have it bad. And yet, I still have the holier-than-thou attitude. It's okay. They just don't know how tough is my life and I'm barely surviving. Look how awesome that is. Look how I don't even utter a single complaint even though I know that others have it easy. Just bask in my greatness.

But it sounds so bitter, right? So lonely, just so sad. (Not to mention a bit exaggerated... though I do still think I'm awesome! Heheh) And frankly, I was annoyed having that kind of mindset. It was just irritating. I'm sure, when reading those lines above, you feel it too. I bet you wanted to grab my shoulders, shake it real hard and slap me in the process. Wake up, you would want to say. Wake the hell up. Who in the world do you think you are to be so mighty and yet feeling that everyone around you is worse? What the heck do you want, Nad?

Well, at least, if you didn't do that, I very well did. I woke up and I asked myself the same questions. Then, I realized. That's right. Who do I think I am? Some pretty princess, a damsel in distress just waiting to be saved? Or that horribly mean voice in my head is actually the real me and is just desperate to come out and shine? Come on, you know you have one. That little voice that insults everyone, that laughs at people in misfortunes, that curses everyone when something is wrong and it's your fault. You know it.

I came to the real question at hand though. Who are you, even? Yes, that shook the very core of my existence. Existence. Somehow, I always feel insignificant. Very small; very little compared to other presences. And I decided that this certainly cannot be.

So I thought hard, came up with bunch of blessings that I should be thankful for and found very little to be so displeased with in my life. How funny that we should overlook the bountiful good and focus on the very detrimental bad. No wonder people are more depressed in this day and age.

But thinking that everything is easy is also um, hard. Yeah, shut up, it's ironic, I know. In fact that's just denial, you know? And sometimes, that's my chief expertise, haha. However I like to refer to it as foolish optimism. If everyone's being a smartass, struggling so hard, spending half his life complaining about it, I'll be the fool who does her best and thinks that she can overcome anything while being ever so discreet.

Because think about it, you might have it bad but others have it worse. So what gives you the right to complain when others just stuck with it? Sheesh, Nad, stop being such a whiner.

Anyhow, I'm done saying things that doesn't make sense except to myself. Hahaha.

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
~Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss btw!

gempak tak?

2010-03-09T22:04:00.001+08:00

my new blog layout

OH YEAH :D

hahahah all custom made yaw.

header: yours truly own writing.

background: courtesy of Malaysian Artistes for Unity webpage. I love this website. It's so funny. Hahahaha.

what do you want to do?

2010-03-04T23:13:00.003+08:00

I have never been much of an ambitious person. That's the naked truth. Heck, my high school days were revolved around living through that horrible Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, a little bit happy Thursday and finally, (thank God it's) Friday. I think not of anything else than today or rarely tomorrow, let alone of all the days to come. I have mediocre extra curricular achievements and much less, co-curricular participation. Average grades, only excellent after a sleepless night, so typically. Hehe. I did not believe in the effort to collect certificates, something my peer so often chase after. I mean, they're just papers lah. Hahahha. Ten, twenty years in the future later, kuning juga sijil-sijil kertas tu. So, I'm very ordinary, really. -_-"

Nothing exceptional except for the fact that despite my underachieving records, I still feel that I am a very, very awesome individual. Oho yeah! How conceited eh? XD

But I have some really wicked, bizarre and cool dreams!

They will all be in my To-do list :D

paint me yellow

2010-03-02T16:04:00.003+08:00

love, all you do to my life is paint it yellow
much like how the sun brightens any day.
though you also make me feel mild, mellow
but it's too bright so i have to look away.

you know, my favourite flowers are daffodils
because it means my irrevocable love for you.
and if i can turn back time's cruel wheels
i'll live the same life, only that you love me too.

tell me, don't you find it terribly sad
that the sunny colour such as daisy yellow
should mean a love that i will never get
and instead, it makes me feel so very low?

honey, even if the day was a lovely summer day,
even if you shower me with dozens of bouquets,
there's only one i wish you throw into my way;
your love, the very one from me you lock it away.

in one of those harmless playful conversations

2010-02-28T22:36:00.003+08:00

Scene 1- lounging around the family area while watching Star World, more particularly, the Ugly Betty commercial where the highlight was the 2 proposals Betty received in the previous season.

Nadiah: Tengok tu, Ugly Betty pun dapat DUA proposals, Taufiq, bukan satu tapi DUA orang nak kahwin dengan dia.

Taufiq: (refuses to acknowledge my remark) . . . .

Nadiah: (frustrated at being ignored thus began her own dramatic episode) WHERE. IS. MY. MAN!?

Taufiq: (snickers at my joke) That's just sad, Nad, just sad.

T_T

Maybe I am better off growing old, single with cats.

Scene- Facebook chat with Nazurah, a dear comrade in singledom.

Naz: We'll just become spinsters with 27 cats, Nad.
Nad: Haha (the what-you're-saying-is-the-complete-truth-but-it's--just-sad kind of haha)
Naz: Why do you think we're both still single?
Nad: God knows. Maybe because we're too close, we scare guys away.
Naz: SIGH. Maybe God has other plans for us.
Nad: What? He wants us to take care of all of His stray cats?

Naz and Nad: Haha (the oh-god-that's-so-funny-but-again-it-could-happen kind of laugh.)

I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen.

SPM Results

2010-02-27T23:40:00.002+08:00

Let me clear one thing with you. I, Nadiah binti Jamaludin, hereby declare that she is really tired of waiting. Yes, that's right. I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for things that may or may not come. Yes, again, you are so right. I, Nadiah binti Jamaludin, am tired waiting for a man to come when I know this for a fact that at the end of the day, I'd have to settle with boys. Sigh.

Hahahahhaha. I kid, I kid.

But the waiting part is true. Especially for SPM results, hence the aforementioned title. Because of this clear disdain within me, I have yet to discover other feelings whether I am nervous, scared or freaking out. I honestly can't say. But then again, that is so typical of me. I have perfected the uncanny ability to waste time and also, the expertise to be so ignorant towards really important stuff.

I find that if I told fellow SPM 09 candidates that I am seriously "takut gila nak mati weih," I feel that I am lying to myself because it is only partially the truth. Yes, I do get those moments. Oh, but first, forgive me if I sound overconfident here. (Note: I never was such a person, really. Heh.) Anyway, continuing, I do feel anxious and all that... stuff. Though, I'm getting the thought that I am more curious to know and to get all this melodramatic tragedy over with and get on with life you know? I mean, what's the point worrying my head bald all over this thing now? I should have done that BEFORE and DURING the exam. And so I did, with paramount importance. Before and during SPM were hard times for me. That was when I had nervous breakdowns. I must say that the year 2009 had most entries in my diary and almost everywhere is scattered with the words 'stress', 'pressure' and 'nak kahwin je la lepas SPM.' Yes, that was essentially my 2009 diary... among other things. Haha.

Right now, however, I seriously cannot bring myself to fully drown in the calamity that is to come - by the way, on the 11th of March. Or the 12th, the 13th, 16th. Who really knows?

Malaysian government rocks that way, our flexibility and skillful ways to dodge answering life-shattering questions like when does the results actually come out or questions like where did you rich people get your money from without doing anything. Yeah, they're cool that way. I admire the total efficiency of the whole system really. Such wonder. *HEAVY SARCASM*

*AHEM*

Right, my political standings aside, heheh, I kind of forgot my point already. Hahahahha.
I so write crap here. Lalala. What the heck.

Okay okay. Ini serius Nad. Focus.

So kesimpulannya, tak lah kisah sangat pasal results nih.
(Cheh, such impertinent and arrogant disposition on my part. Ye la sangaaat.)

Padahal, doesn't the whole fact that I even bothered to blog about the thing shows that actually, unconsciously, indirectly, deep deep inside my twisted soul, I am worried about it?

. . . .

Maybe? -_-"

Ye, ada masalah ke?

2010-02-16T02:45:00.002+08:00

Selalunya, I was never the one with problems. I think. I mean, apart from my weirdness, quirkiness and abnormality issues. No, no. I'm pretty okay with the way things are going though I think if I were to tell you every single detail, it would sound sad, even to me, the protagonist. So, let's leave a bit shroud of mystery okay.

Anyway, when things are fine and well, sometimes, we just have the urge to ask ourselves, "Why?" Like all good or bad things in life, we ask the most fundamental yet nearly impossibly the hardest question to answer. For me, I believe it is because when good things happen, I get that nagging feeling it would all turn awry soon, very soon. It's not an emergent feeling but more like in the background where you hear a voice at the back of your head giving sirens, "No no no no Nad. This is too good to be true. Watch out and don't fall just yet. You're always a sucker for nice, funny guys. He's just being friendly, that's all. No point getting hopes up high for mere obsession."

Well, okay, that particular voice might have elaborated on a more specific case such as the unfortunate events of yours truly, ahaha, but nevertheless, it predicted the impending doom that was to come.

Back to my point.

Yeah, why do I seem to be trouble-free? Surely, there must be something bugging me, right? An annoyance, a secret addicting mental love affair with a fictional character or maybe an unlucky streak of unrequited love? Come on, Nad, squeeze the juice out. What is it?

I asked, again and again but nothing comes to mind, you see. And, why oh why is always the question?

I know one thing I can cross out from the list immediately: any problems with the beloved, the Boyfriend. Let's not dwell further on the reasons why I can eliminate this one so readily. (For those who insists, though secretly I just wanted to type it for pity and it's my blog so I can do whatever I want, well, I am sorry for being romantically challenged for the past seventeen years, nine months and roughly eight days.) Therefore, ahem *end of self-pity* ahem, I always think myself as an objective person when people come to me for advices. Which is rare considering I give really foolish advices because I cannot understand truly their feelings of anxiety, insecure and heartache. Crap, who knows that without even being through it, right? Perhaps I have been through it or perhaps it was just me being overly dramatic. So, that's one out.

I'm a teenager, I should rebel. Or not? Sure, there are certain events that made me feel mad at my parents. I am not going to lie about that but I always manage to get over it easily. I'm not sure whether it's the easy to forgive but hard to forget kind of thing, I hope not. I never seem to be in a complete argument with anybody really. I know I'm easily influenced, seperti lalang ditiup angin, they say. I might have my own opinion about a matter but I like to call myself liberating and open-minded so that I can listen to other people first and somewhat find it agreeable instead. I just find any kind of discourse bothersome, friendly or not, healthy competition or unhealthy. Definitely not my kind of thing, debating or the sort, zettai.

Besides, I'm unlike any other (unique or crazy, take your pick) so I will do whatever my family asks me to do because I am cool that way yo. Haha, right. No matter how troublesome, pointless or reluctant I am to carry the tasks or rules out, I end up with the thought that they should know best so it's okay if I don't go out all the time, if I have a crappy phone which a friend's brother once asked whether it's even coloured or not, if I have to do house chores all the time.

I don't mind anything at all.

Because I'm just foolishly optimistic that way. Because I'm just gladly grateful. Because I just can't think bad of anything. If I do, it takes only a moment's sense of reason and rationality to rid them all away. Evil, begone. Demon in me, begone! Because I cannot, for the life of me, swear profanities even if I forced myself to and we all know that constant blasphemy in your life must lead to more unholy acts. Because what passed had past and there is nothing else we can do about it. Because at times when I doubt the surreal memory of any happiness that ever existed in my short life so far, even at the horrible, embarrassing and terrible memories I wish to forget, I can feel the emotions overwhelm me and as if my body was only an inadequate vessel, I swear, it will burst open, wishing to spread that joy to everyone. For being alive. For being.

Because - this is my piece de resistance- I am confident things will work out anyway because the Almighty can never test His servants any tribulations we cannot handle. So for whatever hardship He may bring upon us, know that it is a guarantee we will get through it.

So why can I sometimes feel that it's wrong to be happy when others are not and that despite the fact that I tried to create problems in my life, I can only see the greener side of the grass every time I get myself into a mess?

Was that all up there good enough for an answer, Nad?
Well, I must say it is quite agreeable ;)

mengharap

2010-02-13T20:15:00.003+08:00

sepenuh hati.
untuk sesuatu yang tak pasti.

****

For example, really good SPM results. Insya-Allah.

Cuma, sometimes, I don't think I'm worrying too much about my results. Haha. Is it arrogance or just simple ignorance? Even when I am, on the very rare chance, thinking about it, I cannot tell you that I am scared. No wait. I am nervous and anxious tapi macam takde lah lebih-lebih. I know, I sound so confident when in person, I am so not. Oh sangat lah tak yakin diri, hehe. Tapi, entahlah, mungkin belum rasa tekanan dia kot. Baru Februari. (Ah ye ke? SO FAST AEDY?)

Anyway, I guess I'm just focusing on the things I am capable of doing instead of the things that I already have no power over.

Unless I have a cool relative that can hack into the government system to upgrade my results, if they were so unsightly. Hahahahaha. I wonder who has that privilege. Mhmm.

penat lah

2010-02-11T22:39:00.002+08:00

menunggu benda yang susah tiba.

bila tiada, mahu sangat ianya muncul.
bila tiba, mahu pergi jauh, jauh, jauh.
semuanya tak pasti, tak tentu.
muncul ke dia malam ni?
ke tidak?
menunggu lagi ke kita malam ni?

ah, cinta.

penat lah.
menunggu benda nama cinta.

Maybe I should start writing in Malay? Hmmm. Jiwang karat lah menjadinya. Teehee.

i think i want to start using really long titles for my blog because it's cooler that way

2010-02-11T12:37:00.004+08:00

yeah right. a title so long until i have nothing left to say in the actual post. whateveeer.

oh oh, to the very little number of readers that i have here (seriously, i can name them by memory), on my own will and good deed, i am here to tell you about a friend of mine.

all of them are special but this one needs extra publicity and i thought i'd show her my support since i cannot (read this warda) bring myself to wear her products yet. hahaha.

i still smell so nice :P

ah anyway, anyway, http://wardatulnadhirah.blogspot.com/

p/s: see honey, i even put it BRIGHT RED for people to NOT overlook it.

again again.

http://wardatulnadhirah.blogspot.com/
http://wardatulnadhirah.blogspot.com/
http://wardatulnadhirah.blogspot.com/

hahahaha. sorry, sorry. that was too fun.

go there. read it. buy it. call her. (for a perfume, for a date, for a hook-up, well, she's all yours. hahaha.)

Single

2010-02-10T11:05:00.002+08:00

Among all of my close friends, I am probably the most inexperienced in dating. No, not love, dating. Of love, that is another story.

So for my almost eighteen years of life on Earth, I have never encountered the specimen called so dearly, so tenderly- boyfriends. Too many times already, have I been asked along the same questions such the following.

"Oi, bila nak couple?"

"You single je, happy je kan, you rasa I desperate ke couple dengan orang?"

"Ah man," this is the best for it is said each time right after a nasty break-up or heartbreak, "aku nak cari laki dowhh."

For the last one, yes, I think you are desperate but if it makes you happy, then so be it. Perhaps people take time to get used to being single again. That time is of course filled with the never-ending manhunt. Though, I still love you guys :D

Just, lay off, alright? >_>

Anyway, back to my reflection. It's not as if I have never thought about it. In fact, I think about it a lot, plus the fact that my weirdness might have something to do with my era of singledom. Don't kid yourself. Who doesn't want to be loved and to love another? I totally agree, it is only human.

But does it have to be now? I mean, like, now? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, you see. My parents met when they were 20 and got married. So it might be ironic if I say that I am still far too young to be in the dating arena. But that is honestly my feeling because in my aspect, the young doesn't necessarily be given credit by the number of their age.

No, perhaps, immature would be the right word. Yeah. I am still so immature. I cannot even, for the life of me and all my loved ones, understand my own self. Let alone another person whom feelings and thoughts you have to take care of, right?

I know I'm wrong somewhere because I think that by being in a relationship, it should be serious but nowadays, relationships mean harmless, mutual fun to know the boy/girlfriend. I don't see the point because I have been so close to a break-up, it even glares me in the eyes each time it is near, that I'm beginning to feel relationships won't last at all. At some point, it will all crumble to ruin. Of course, I am just seeing the tragic end, you might say but I was also there when the feeling bloomed, grew and at long last, faded or wasted away like a withering flower. I feel sad when it happens. Love is becoming so overrated, so common to the point most people had enough of it.

Didn't love use to be sacred? Whatever happened to that? Now, it seems like it's being trampled by petty things.

For the one who has never been in a relationship, I'm the one to talk, huh? Hehe. But as I said before, still too young, inexperienced, immature. Don't think however I have never loved.

And of love, that is another story.